a Season in Hell
by kaorufunk
Summary: Kaoru's in love with Hikaru and Hikaru knows about it yet he choose to travel with Haruhi to Canada leaving his brother heart broken and alone. What is going to happen when the trip is over and they arrive back to Japan to find that everyone has changed to the worst? will Hikaru be able to fix Kaoru ? WARNING :BOYXBOY / GAY /Lemon /curses
1. memories

**First of all I don't own Ouran High school host club I just use the characters **

**also I son't own the title of the story , originally it's a title of a poem that i like a lot ~ **

**this story will include other host club members **

**WARNING : BOYXBOY/ cursing **

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**a Season in Hell**

**Kaoru POV**

I set on my corner of the room doodling on my notebook and listening to hard rock music. Nothing matters in my life and I can spend days in my place. Depression is eating me alive day after day , I pushed everybody away after he left me here all alone . my friends in the host club , may parents and even my therapist. I stopped talking to people and shut myself in my own world. Every day I thought about death yet too afraid to commit suicide so I had to put on with my daily life. Taking this corpse to college everyday then walk my way back to the house and that's it I didn't want anything to happen to me. I had eating disorder , our fancy food looked disgusting just like everything else.

"Kaoru , it's your lunch time " my mom said entering my room. I looked up at her " I don't want shit mom! Just leave me alone!" I shouted at her, of course they all treat me very strange that they created a lunch time only for me. "oh my god !.. I am tired of you , look at yourself , you have lost a lot of weight " she shouted " you don't sleep or eat or study ! all you do is listening to crappy music and doodle shit! Everybody is worried about you!"

" I don't care! Leave me alone!" I said drawing a small skull

"listen to me , I've said that already , we can pay for you to move with hik-"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T FUCKIN' WANNA MOVE WITH HIM ! WHY DON'T YOU GET IT !" shouted and threw my doodle book at her and walked to the door "you know what mom , here's the truth that you don't want to know , actually , he's the one who doesn't want me to move with him.. why don't you get it already ? I am sick of you, mom.." it is still hard for me to deal with rejection even after a year from Hikaru's travel to studying abroad with Haruhi. I am never good enough for him. I always believed that Hikaru knows about the kind of feelings I developed for him so he decided to run away and now I am afraid of the whole world , I am actually afraid of him , he's the reason of all the pain and sorrow I am suffering for a year now. "Kaoru , get out please. I've never imagined that Hikaru is the one to refuse it. " my mom said from behind the bathroom door " I am sorry, son " yeah that's all she can do , apologize .. as if this can fix anything. "FUCK OFF" I held the shampoo bottle and threw it at the door. "all I am asking for is.. isolation ".

**Third person's POV**

"dear diary ,It has been a year now since I left Japan with Haruhi. And tonight is the last night for us here in Canada before we fly back to Japan. I can't wait for more 6 hours to see Kaoru again , I miss him a lot , he never agreed to do video chats with me and there has always been something missing. I still exactly remember what happened back in time when I told him I am leaving " Hikaru wrote in his notebook before taking a deep breath and drifting in his memories.

One year Before (flashback )

The twins were sitting on Kaoru's room when finally Hikaru decided to break the news for his brother " well Kao .. there's something that I wanted to tell you for a quite some time.."Hikaru looked down at his feet moving his hair away from his face and giving Kaoru a glance before continuing , Kaoru put his book under the pillow and moved to sit beside his twin "what is it Hika?" he spoke in a worried tone , of course Kaoru could notice the strange look in his twin's eyes and that he was hiding something for weeks now "you know ..I have been in a relationship with Haruhi for the last year and yesterday she got accepted in the University of Ottawa and.." Hikaru stopped and held his brother's hands "..I guess I must move with her there and study in that university as well" Hikaru looked at Kaoru who didn't look that surprised or even sad " eh..are you okay with that?" said Hikaru in shock , " well I can always visit you right ?" Kaoru said , "wha..!" Hikaru couldn't figure out how is Kaoru going to always visit him if he is living in the other side of the world " I mean in which side of the country is Ottawa?" Kaoru said and Hikaru figured it out , his brother thought that Ottawa is a university in Japan since the name sounds Japanese "Kaoru .. it's in Canada" Kaoru opened his eyes wildly in surprise "what are you saying Hikaru?" he stopped and sniffed " you can't leave , we have plans for our future" he pulled his hands from Hikaru's " you said , we are going to have a future twice the fun than normal people..HIKARU YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!" he screamed out at his brother's face "wha ..!Kaoru calm down please, it's only for a year ! and it's better for us to be apart and so we will find our individuality and ..I really want to live with her Kaoru , I really love her " Kaoru stood there without saying a word just staring at Hikaru while getting his heart to sink in numbness and pain.

He just stood there not knowing what to do and how to feel, tears fell down his eyes as fast as ever even though he couldn't show any face expression. Hikaru stood up and wanted to wrap his arms around Kaoru for a hug, he saw that coming and in the other hand he didn't want to let go of Haruhi for Kaoru's sake. He thought that Kaoru will always be there since he's his own brother but Haruhi is not , she could pick any other guy and totally forgets about him. He didn't believe in long distance relationships or that he'll ever find a girl like Haruhi. Hikaru convinced himself that Kaoru can sure get over it just like how he got over Hikaru's relationship with Haruhi in the beginning with , he got hurt but then he thought that his brother dealt with it when all that Kaoru actually did was hiding his feelings and acting fine when he was not. "Hikaru, get out of my room " Kaoru said while pushing Hikaru away to the door and slamming it behind him , locking it with the key "Kaoru ..you're going to be alright , you are strong. Anyways , I'll leave tomorrow morning..please take it easy it's only for a year and we can always have video chats you know , I'll always check on you" he sighed " you know I love you so don't make it hard for me Kao , I got to pick who makes me happy-" Hikaru just noticed what he said, even though it is the truth , staying with Kaoru wouldn't bring him any happiness " I- I AM SORRY FOR MAKING YOUR LIFE MISRABLE " Kaoru screamed from behind the door and sniffed "Kao .. I didn't mean that, I just ..we are 18 now , it's normal for us to move with new people , this doesn't mean you're going to stop being my dear twin brother" Hikaru said lying his back to the door "THAT HAS STOPPED LONG FUCKING TIME AGO ! " Kaoru said suddenly opening the door wildly " SINCE YOU GOT INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT BIT- GIRL.."even in his anger Kaoru considered Hikaru's feelings first , he moved his tears away "you have been away ever since , and I have been lost and hurt, I can't lie anymore " sniffed " I am not fine , I am always alone.. " he sobbed and hid himself in Hikaru's chest "I don't..I don't want you to go" Hikaru wrapped his arms around his shaking brother and fondled his back " I love you but..that's something I always wanted to try , I promise I'll come back to you. Just let me try this Kaoru..please " he held Kaoru's face and raised his chin and looked straight to his teary eyes promising him that he'll come back. Kaoru moved his tears away and nodded" whatever that makes you happy " inside of him he was damaged he thought that he really doesn't deserve to be loved or respected, he broke down and hit a wall . thinking of how is he going to trust anyone anymore. He held himself and went back to the room " how about I sleep with you tonight" Hikaru felt guilty, he cuddled with Kaoru who sobbed all night in his sleep and woke up twice to a nightmare. In the early morning Hikaru kissed Kaoru's forehead and left him sleeping as the car that will take him and Haruhi to the airport arrived. He left Kaoru on the bed , alone. After that day nobody has ever seen Kaoru smiling.

**(End of flashback)**

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**in next chapters, Hikaru and Haruhi will go back to Japan but for their surprise , a lot of things and people have changed to the worst. **

**are they going to be able to fix anything ? read to know :) **

**XxXx**

**Thanks for reading , I'll upload the next chapter soon .**

**leave reviews and tell me if you like the idea and if you have anything to add please tell me ~ **


	2. don't touch me

**Kaoru POV**

I finished my classes and went back home , the road was quit as well and the cheery blossom filled the air . I do hate humans but in the other hand I am in love with nature , the trees and the sky were always there for me. First thing I noticed beside the house is the limo we use for our guests. Whoever is in there didn't really matter and to avoid having any conversations with them I decided to enter from the kitchen doors. I took a turn around the house and entered "Oh master Kaoru , you're here already " said one of the maids "yeah" I simply say to her "eh.. please stay here !" she said out of a sudden and this is the first time in my life a maid orders me to do something "why?" I turn to face her "I-I am so sorry sir it's just.." she looked to the floor and I knew that she's hiding something when the main chief walked to us "I apologize for her impoliteness towards you dear young master" he looked to the floor while talking to me as well , I sighed again not really interested to ask them what was the matter again. The chief poked the maid and whispered to her that she shouldn't risk her job and talk to me again. What could I possibly do when everybody treats me like a lord when I am really no more than a scum. I walked out of the kitchen and to my room. Everybody in the house was giving me strange looks, I couldn't care less actually.

The corridors to my room were eternal but I finally stood behind the door before opening it , what's this strange feeling in my chest now?, why is my heart racing? .. I have never felt this way before , there was something inside the room..something that belongs to me and I got to have it before my heart jumps out of my chest. I opened the door wildly

"Hello , Kaoru .." ..that's …

"_Hika._.!"

I stood there not knowing what to do. I drop the books that I was holding, my whole body went numb .. after a year of suffering , the reason is standing next to me. Suddenly I saw everything I went through in his eyes , his golden eyes that I loved the most in the world. I saw myself sitting alone in the corner , cutting my wrests , drinking , shouting at everybody, bleeding on the bathroom floor, crying under the shower, hating the mirror and everyone that talks. My feet betrayed me. He's walking to me , I should run .. he raised his arms and wrapped them around me "HAH!" I gasped "d-don't touch ..me" he brought me closer to him , his body is burning me alive and it's hurting. I am just all tiered and my tears won't stop "nn- no . don't.." he fondled my back and I lost my breath "STOP!" finally found my voice , my heart racing in my chest that it was too hard to breath "Kao ?" he separated from me and looked at my eyes with an innocent look "why are you crying?" he doesn't know a thing , of course mom has lied to him and told him I am doing fine. "don't touch me.." I can't pretend that I am fine. "wh-what's wrong? I missed you a lot" he said and took a look at me, if he didn't change he'd know that everything is wrong. I covered my face with my sleeves I didn't want him to look at me , nobody should look. "Kaoru..is it me?" I cover my ears with my hands I didn't want to hear. I needed to scratch on something but couldn't move. So I collapsed down and sat in the corner between the closet and the door. Hiding my face between my hands and knees. "KAORU! " he was scared , the person that he thought I was is now collapsing to pieces. I have always pretended that things were alright and that it has never mattered while taking all the pain and keeping it inside of me. And I am here on the floor now , shattered and shaking. "MOM ! MAIDS ! CALL THE DOCTOR" he shouted , but I needed no doctor Hikaru .. why don't you see anymore? "I am scared of you " I whispered as a lot of people rushed to the room and talked to me and touched me and that scared me even more "STOP IT! " Hikaru screamed at all of them and I looked between my fingers , did he realize that I was scared "but Hikaru ,he's going crazy I swear " mom said to him but he shacked his head and asked her to leave with the maids. He closed the door after them "I am sorry " he sat down beside me his hand on his face. "so I am really the reason. I didn't know ..I-" he is talking again "shush..please..don't talk" I said to him and he stopped talking.

We just sat there for hours.

**Hikaru POV**

Here he lost a little every day , I remember when I was there enjoying my time and thinking that Kaoru is doing the same in here but look at him now. Piercing on his lips and a small tattoo on his arm , he lost a lot of weight and he's wearing all black. He's scared of the whole world sitting in the corner hugging himself and crying , how many times did he end up like that after I left?. What am I going to do? It has been three hours for us sitting like that. Should I break the silence without hurting him. It's getting colder and darker here . I stood up , his eyes on me as I walked to the fireplace and opened it up, next I picked up the books that Kaoru was holding and I put them on the table. He's still sitting there and I should do something .. I looked beside me and found empty papers and pens . would it be fine if I write to him instead of talking? But what should I possibly write ..

_Dear Kaoru , I know we never get over great injuries but we absorb them and they carve us into different , often kinder creatures. And that's what happened to you , I know that it's all my fault for leaving you here and I apologize. You know dear brother , sometimes I think about all that we have done and gone through that no one even knows about and I get sad thinking that no one will ever know about all these things that make me , me and you , you. Maybe that's why I left you in the first place, I wanted you to discover who you really are but I have never imagined that you'd hit a wall. I want to take you away now but it's cold and I don't know where and I want to hug you and make you feel alright. Watching you like this shatters me, why did you always pretend being fine when you are not? I thought that you are really dealing with things. I am sorry for not watching over you but I am here again and I want to make things right for you and fix you even if it means losing the world and losing myself doing it. Will you give me a chance to try and enter your world?_

I read what I wrote again and walked to him . I put the piece of paper beside him and went to sit on his bed. He really changed it's like I am a stranger to him. Kaoru is scared of me..

I sniffed and tears fell down my eyes. How am I suppose to fix a deadly mistake and a broken heart? And what if he gives me a chance but I miss things up again? How am I suppose to know-

My thoughts were cut by my ring tone . I looked at my mobile screen and it said Haruhi, I moved my tears away and answered

"hey there .."

"Hikaru! What's with your voice? Are you alright?"

"yes I am.. eh..I have something to tell you Haruhi " I say and notice Kaoru looking at me. He sure hates her "what is it Hikaru? " she asked " I need a break , I don't want to see you or talk to you for awhile " I hope she understands "wha.." silence from her side , she sighed and said " as you like " , " thanks " I hung up and sighed . Kaoru stood up and walked to me while holding the paper. I looked at his face . he raised his index finger and kissed it then he pressed it on my cheek . I smiled "cute" I said to him and he looked away and picked up the pen and started writing something on the paper. After awhile he gave it to me and I read.

_I gave up on my own happiness for you, are you willing to do the same?._

Kaoru looked worried and unsure "of course I am " I said to him smiling. He picked up a book from his collection and went back to the corner of the room. How am I suppose to deal with him if he's silent all the time?

God I am really tiered of the trip from Canada to here , it wouldn't bother if I sleep here tonight right? I closed my eyes and drift into a deep sleep.

**Kaoru POV**

Page 350 , it's enough reading for today. I raised my head up to find that Hikaru is sleeping on my bed. His figure made me blush, I stood up and walked to him , there is a tear on his cheek and his hair on my pillow. He was still wearing his shoes , he's sleeping and won't hurt me. I sat on the bed and held his feet and put them on my lap , I slowly started taking off his shoes and socks. I sighed ..why am I so desperate to touch him but scared as hell at the same time, I sure miss him a lot. I lied on the bed beside him looking at his sleeping face and his lips that I wanted to kiss for a very long time now. "Hikaru.. I love you the most" I whispered to myself leaving a space between me and him . I raised my hand and slowly touched his face. I gasped for air and my heart started racing again , I shouldn't do that , it hurts me a lot.

I brought the blanket and covered Hikaru , I better not see his body while he's sleeping. It'd be better to always leaving a space between us, I am not ready to share my life with him again yet, it feels strange to have him beside me again .

I held my doodle book and started sketching. I drew Hikaru's face , even if the whole world saw us identical. Hikaru has a deferent smile than me, he also has a sharper nose and his eyes are always glowing. That's why I loved him the most , he's the perfect image of me.

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**.I'll upload soon :)**


	3. insecure

**"Note: - this story is not all about events as much as it's about feelings and inner thoughts**

**\- there's someone that wrote a review saying that I am wasting your time with this story and that in the manga they are not in love. Well duh this is exactly what fanfiction is all about, plus if you dislike this ship don't read about it.**

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**Hikaru POV**

"You'll never get what you truly deserve if you remain attached to what you're suppose to let go of" dad once told me. But what if I can't do otherwise because I care about the other person and I don't want them to get more depressed because of me? How in the world am I going to move on without losing too much , is it even possible not to hurt the people you care about for what you really want? "OW!" I've hurt my chine while shaving "aah man.." I sighed and looked at my reflection in the mirror "Kaoru.. "fixing him first is what really matters now.

I washed my face and went out of the bathroom "are you ready?" I asked my brother who was sitting on his corner. He looked at me then jumped out of his place and opened a drawer and walked back to me. He put a plaster on the scratch in my chin "kaoru..thank you!" we shared a fast look before Kaoru turned his face to the other side "we're late" he said and went out of the room in a hurry. I smiled to his lovely behavior, maybe he decided to not be so hard after all.

Ouran University for art. Gardens surround the huge buildings, it is ten times bigger than Ouran high and has students from all over the world, once the car stopped Kaoru went out and entered one of the buildings " Oh! Hey wait for me !" I ran after him, even though he was hiding his eyes with his hair people noticed we look alike and I actually enjoy that attention. I decided to attend all of Kaoru's classes with him, if I was to gain his trust again I got to know what kind of daily life he has.

While my brother was walking ahead of me some guy hit his shoulder and Kaoru was about to fall down but I held him from the back , the guy apologized and kept walking but Kaoru turned to face me "huh! Kao?" his eyes were teary " I told you not to touch me!" he shouted and ran away "What! But you were about to fall down !" I ran after him..what have I done. "Kaoru wait" I shouted but he didn't stop. There's no point in chasing him so I stopped and sighed "is he your brother? You really look alike" I looked behind me to a normal looking girl "eh yeah he's my twin brother actually " I noticed that Kaoru entered his lecture hall "he's a hard headed guy , it's impossible to deal with him " that's not true , he used to be too kind "it's just..he's been into too much, oh I am late! " I waved to the girl and left to the lecture , Kaoru was sitting on the end of the row beside the window so I took a seat beside him "hey.." he ignored me and doodled on his notebook. I took my notebook out of my backpack and wrote " I'm so sorry I didn't want you to fall down!" he read it and wrote " next time let me fall down but don't touch me" he is making me feel like an alien. After 5 minutes the professor entered the hall and started talking about the history of architecture in Rome. Despite the fact that it was super boring, Kaoru didn't stop doodling, someday I'll steal that notebook. We went out after an hour and sat on a chair in the garden

"Hikaru.."

"yes.."

"I feel strange"

"how is that?" I looked at my jacket instead of looking at his eyes. One thing I noticed about the new his is that he doesn't like people to look at his eyes while he's talking

"it's..my space is suddenly filled and.. " he took a deep breath. this time I decided to listen before saying anything " I don't like that, Hikaru.." he hugged my backpack and hid his face on it " I've isolated myself from the whole world and..I am so scared to open up. That you and everybody else will hurt me again " he took a deep breath "and I don't like to get hurt anymore" I see it all now "I am not strong anymore, I am totally broken " it's not only me, everybody around him was judging him and hurting him for a year now. Not only that , they've built a wrong image about who he really is without giving him a chance to explain himself, that happened before when we were little kids. We wanted people to tell us apart but whenever they messed we used to cry and close in ourselves even more. It's happening again now. He coughed and I gave him some tissues " do you wanna go for a walk?" I asked and he nodded " Hika..it's okay if you wanna ummm.. hold my hand " he said touching his hair and I smiled "you'd let me?" he nodded and that made me happy ..he started trusting me again, as gentle as I could be, I engaged my fingers to his. I missed holding his hand and be a part of his world.

After finishing his lectures we went to the cafeteria to have our tea break, the place is super classy as well so once we sat around the table , maids walked to us and took our orders. "mom told me you have eating disorder" I said and he nodded" I don't mind tea though" he said and I smiled to him

"Oh lord , so the rumors were right , Kaoru happened to have a sexy hell of a brother" I heard two girls talking from the table behind us "yeah , could you believe that they are twins! I mean how could that messed up punk Kaoru be a twin of a guy that looks like a super model!" they laughed "he's so desperate I bet he must be jealous of his brother" they laughed again and I looked at Kaoru who was looking at his notebook with a cold face that didn't show any sign of hurt "I got to try my luck with him " she said and I looked at her "WILL YOU SHUT UP! " I left my seat and walked to them "hika.." Kaoru called me but I kept walking, I can't let this happen anymore , not when I am here "WHY WOULD I THINK OF DATING SUCH SCUM BAGS LIKE YOU!" I held a cup of water that was on the table and splashed it on their faces "keep the shit in your mouths to yourselves" they were shocked "AAAAAAA!" one of them screamed and the maids ran to her "I WON'T FORGIVE YOU , HITACHIIN !" she shouted but I gave her a cold shoulder "ugly girls with ugly personalities .."

"let's go" I gave my hand to Kaoru who got shocked too. He took my hand and we went out of the cafeteria

"you shouldn't do that, I am used to hear that .." he said. Didn't he ever bother insulting them back? He is so depressed to even .."oh my god!, Kaoru you don't fucking deserve this!" I stopped him and looked straight to his eyes putting my hands on his shoulders

"Hikaru?"

"listen to me dear brother! I love you the way you are and the way you want to be and I won't allow anybody in the whole world to hurt you again , not even myself! you get it! You deserve to be loved and respected for who you are!"

His eyes glowed to the sun light..he frequented and looked to the floor then slowly he raised his hands and wrapped them around my body "Kao.." he hugged me and sniffed "do I really..deserve..?" he sniffed again. I smiled and wrapped my arms around him, I like being this close to him "yes you do " I brushed his hair with my fingers. He shouldn't feel insecure again. As a matter of fact , I started drawing a picture in my mind for the things he destroyed before ,just to try and build them up again.

"Hikaru ..one day I'll tell you about something, will you promise me not to leave me alone after knowing it " our faces were an inch apart while his eyes were glowing and he blushed. "I promise I won't " I know exactly what he's talking about ..and he knows that I know.

It was the first reason why I dated Haruhi and left with her. I knew about the kind of feelings he has for me long time ago even though he didn't confess, I don't know when did that start to happen, maybe when we joined the host club ,but it scared me a lot and I didn't want to get into that because I , myself started thinking about those feelings. And this was the time I decided to take a different path and run away with a girl that I already love and respect.

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**Thanks for reading YvY your reviews made my day ,I'll upload soon 3**


	4. the ocean

**Kaoru POV**

Have you ever become so damaged that when the one wants to give you what you deserve, you have no idea how to respond. That was me last night, Hikaru has asked me to hang out with him and I accepted.  
"so where are we going?" I sat in the car beside him as he drove "you'll see , I have everything ready for a nice night" I rolled my eyes to him and sketched on my doodle book. The drive wasn't too long , almost half an hour "the ocean .." we went out of the car and I looked to the huge scene in front of my eyes just to feel strangely powerful "Hikaru do you feel that too?" he nodded and wrapped his arms around me , hugging me from the back , resting his chine on my shoulder " imagine that the ocean is covering all the evil people, hitting them with its waves , drowning them to the ultimate benthos" I pictured it in my head when he said it "I feel like screaming " I said as cold breeze hit us. Hikaru nodded and took my hand and we entered the cold water, I took a deep breath and screamed my lungs out over and over and over until I got tiered and went back to the beach.

There wasn't anybody on the beach but us so it felt like we own the whole ocean. We took off our wet pants and shirts and ran under the moon.

just for a moment I felt so free from all that I supposed to be. Hearing my love talk and laugh with me like it was always supposed to be like that. We laid down on the sand breathing heavily. And I made a wish to a shooting star.

We made a fire and covered ourselves with blankets that Hikaru has in the car. Lighting bugs were dancing everywhere around us, chills ran down my spine as our fingers entwine and the white windy waves washed in inside of me. "Hikaru" I smiled to him "I am glad " he said and lied down to ..kiss me. My mind went completely blank. His lips on mine, I closed my eyes and opened them slightly as he deepened the kiss.* Hikaru is kissing me! * I repeated that in my head over a hundred times. "Hikaru..!" he stopped and I hid my burning face with my hands , he put the blanket on my head. "let's just go home". We took our stuff and went to the car and sat there in silence except that I could hear my heart beats so fast inside of my chest. I looked to the other side instead and he sighed to missing puzzle pieces and the cloudy question marks. He opened a box beside him and gave me a beer "chill " as he opened his own beer and drank it all at once while I took a sip. he brushed his fingers to his hair " we had a nice time " I said and pat his back "yeah, I hope it helped you.." he sounded weird " I want you to be happy again" he said and opened the door leaving the car "eh ,Hikaru!" he went to my said and opened my door , knelt beside me and held my hands while we stared at each other's eyes "when are you going to open up and tell me about your real feelings and how in the world did this happen..Kaoru , please..I am confused and I don't want to think that this is wrong because it doesn't matter as long as you are sure of what you really want , I'll just deal with it, you know. I just want you to take it all out of your heart" I closed my eyes for a moment not knowing how to say this exactly "I am in lo- " I hesitated "Hikaru, I am.." I tried to calm down and decided to open up to him. We shared a deep look and decided to finally spit it out "I am in love with you..it all started from when we first joined the host club" I felt relived to finally saying it , I don't have to carry it to myself anymore "it's okay , come here" he hugged me too tightly that everything felt alright again as if I didn't suffer from depression for a whole year. "I am sorry " I said from his shoulder "it's totally okay" he fondled my back "let's go home yeah?" he said and I nodded "everything will be alright, Kaoru.." he got closer and kissed my lips , it was fast and I loved it. All the way back home I was smiling to myself, I felt like I'll fly I felt happy and exited even though I didn't know how to respond to him. Yet In the back of my mind I still feel that I don't deserve to be loved by him as much as I deserve to suffer.

When we went back home, Hikaru went to his room to change his clothes and I went to mine. "Dammit, where is this going to take us? Maybe I shouldn't start all this , maybe I should have locked myself in even more..it's obvious , he doesn't want that he's just doing it for me..Hikaru is really trying hard to get me out of depression even if it meant lying to himself about his own feelings. So in the end.. "I laughed like a crazy psycho to myself ".. I am actually the one who's selfish " my back hit the wall and I slipped down to the floor. "this is wrong in so many levels.."

**Hikaru POV**

I sat on the hot tub relaxing my muscles and thought to myself of how crazy everything is..me doing that to my own twin brother and what about Haruhi and the others? I really didn't see her for a while now , what is she going to think about our relationship that I ran away from her to make out with Kaoru because he's desperate and hates everything in the world excluding me. "I really need to visit her" I took a shower and went out of the bathroom and dressed up "I hope things don't get worse" I went out of my room and passed by Kaoru's room. Thought it's not necessary telling him where I was going let alone he'd get annoyed if he knows so I went downstairs and left the house.

"oh Hikaru ! I missed you " Haruhi said and pressed her lips to mine "I missed you too as well"I said looking her in the eye "I really got so worried when you told me you don't wanna talk to me for awhile but I didn't ask ..I thought that you needed your space since we were together for a whole year " we entered the normal commoner house and I sat on one of the couches "well , I came here to talk about that" she brought me some green tea in a funny cup "oh darling ,I am listening " she said holding my hand and I smiled "well it's about Kaoru. he got into depression when we first left together and my parents didn't told me at all so now he's desperate and hates everybody , actually he's locking himself in his corner of the room doodling all day long and never talks to anyone expect me of course " I took a sip from the cup and continued " actually something has happened back then when we first joined the host club and started the .. brotherly love act." I sighed " seems that it wasn't an act for him " I stopped and looked at her "wh-what! Do you mean..Kaoru has feelings for you?" she got really surprised "yes and it's my fault from the beginning with , I let him play the uke while I played the seme and seems he liked it, I mean he's never dated anyone before because I was giving him everything already. I think this is the reason why he developed such feelings but..in the other hand I promised him that I am willing to go as far as he wants if it will get him out of depression " she held my arm and rest her head on my shoulder "Hikaru..this is not what do you want from life right? You're lying to him and to yourself and to me as well let alone.."she sighed "..for how long are you willing to lie to him? Kaoru is smart , do you think he won't figure it out? That's if he didn't already"

" I know ..all I want is a normal brother to brother relationship with him" I saighed and she bat my back

"Oh Hikaru you're here! Long time no see " I looked to see Ranka, Haruhi's father " Hey Ranka , hows everything? " I shaked hands with the man and we sat around the table for dinner , still I really don't know what to do. Haruhi changed the subject since her dad took a seat with us "I wanna go visit Tamaki tomorrow , wanna come?" she asked me "oh I didn't see that air head for a long time, actually the last time I saw him was when you broke up with him , he was too desperate that night though "

" well , I suppose he has gone through it and got into a lot of relationships with other women ..whatever , he's an old friend so I thought why not giving him a visit"

"sure why not..eh Haruhi , can I stay here for the night?"

"yes sure , I really missed you ..lets sleep on my bed tonight" she smirked and I laughed , spending the night here will make me feel better and get my mind busy with something else.


	5. a little bit happy

**Hikaru POV**

"YOU WERE WITH HER ALL NIGHT ! YOU FUCKIN' LIER ! .." Kaoru sniffed and moved his tears with his sleeve "I shouldn't have trusted you ..Hikaru you suck..you're making everything worst " I didn't mean to hurt him and it's my personal life he shouldn't get hurt. "you're making a big deal over it ..please calm down " I wanted to hold him but he pushed me away "Kao!" I didn't expect that , he gave me a hurtful look then went and sat on his corner "don't come closer" he said hugging himself. I sighed ..how far am I going to take this before I rage. I took a deep breath and calmed myself.

"Nothing would ever change if you keep running to your corner every time something that you don't like happens" I said to him but he covered his ears "oh boy.." now he wants me to fuck off like everyone else.

I brought a chair and put it beside him but not too close and I sat there for sometime "okay..I am sorry . I will stop seeing her and we'll break up .." I said so, not really meaning it but I hopped that it'd cheer him up

"it's not that.." he said , still not looking at me

"then what's wrong ?" I left the chair and sat beside him "I don't know .." he said staring at his hands

"how can I help ?"

" I don't know"..

"okay wait here , I'll do something and come back to you.." I left the room to the roof and decided to build a blanket nest for him. When we were little kids we used to build them and hide there for hours , it made us feel better and safer. I think it'd help him a little.

I went back to the room and knelt beside him " okay. I made you a nest. Do you want to come?" he hesitated and moved his hair from his eyes "okay.." I gave him my hand. We walked to the roof and he looked at it carefully "get in " I said and he entered while I sat out beside him. After awhile he held my hand "Does that help ?" he nodded and that made me feel good "can I join you?" he went to the side leaving a place for me . we didn't say anything for hours and he slept there. I felt comfortable under the blankets too so I didn't felt like moving. The warmth was tempting so I felt sleepy as well , I brought Kaoru closer to me and slept like that.

**Kaoru POV**

Do you ever miss yourself? The person you were before you had your first heartbreak or before you got betrayed by a person you trusted?..I do.

"it's just another day " the rain against the window and my cheek against the rain "I'll go to visit Tamaki, are you coming?" said my brother from his place in the red sofa while I touched the water drops with my fingers "to make sure he's still alive?" I asked and he touched my hair "maybe " he brushed his fingers to my hair "Hikaru smells like trees" I whispered that note to myself "do I?" I looked at him and didn't say a thing. I put my shoes on and we walked to Hikaru's car "didn't you visit Tamaki or the others the past year?"he asked

"..no" I actually did , many times and in the last time that happened I got a small tattoo on my arm. I sat on the back seat "so you can have your girlfriend sitting beside you " I said "girlfriend.." and repeated the word to myself " umm yeah..thanks.." he was confused. I opened my doodle book and started sketching while Hikaru drove to the commoners neighborhood "you know , you may have to say hi to her and act normal " he looked at me from the front mirror "mhm" I gave him a glance and drew a line "eh..I thought you'd get mad.." he said wondering "Hikaru .. I am shattered and you were trying to stick me together with glue.." there is no point in trying to fix someone who's completely broken just to try and break them down again. "don't worry dear nothing can break me anymore.." I smiled to him and he looked confused "you don't have to act like you're alone like there's no one that understands you.." he gave me his hand and drove with his other hand and I held it "I am not just some face you used to know , I know all about you and you should know that there's someone that cares about you" I held his hand "you're finding ways to break the bonds but they are stronger than you realize , Kaoru , you can say I haven't tried enough and I've let you down and left you behind but I am here now" and I know it's a lie from the sparkle in his eyes when she entered the car and he doesn't smell like trees when she's with him. "Oh ! Kaoru you are here too! Long time no see how are you?" she asked me , she's speaking to me. I have to answer her and not to embarrass Hikaru. But there's only a blank I can't utter a word with her, I don't want her to look at me "eh, Haruhi , did you get the direction to Tamaki's house?" Hikaru asked her and she took her eyes away from me and I breathed.

the ride was hell to me. I wished we'd just suddenly arrive so I'd go to a corner. I didn't want to hear Hikaru talking to her, I got my headphones out from my backpack and put them on. The words he said to me kept repeating themselves to the music I was listening to " ..like there's no one that understands you.." I whispered to myself " and you should know that someone cares about you" I whispered and they were laughing. I closed on myself and drift into a deep sleep.

**Hikaru POV**

"I suppose it's that mansion on the top of the hill " Haruhi said and I drove , the street was bad and branches and stones were almost covering it but finally we made it there and the gates were opening to us by the guards. I stopped the car beside the main doors and we went out. I almost forgot that Kaoru was with us in the car , he was too silent and actually asleep. "I'll wake him up , you can enter " I said to Haruhi , she nodded and entered. I opened the backseat door , moved his headphones from his ears and put them aside when I noticed his doodle book on his lap.. it won't bother if I take a look right..

I sat beside my sleeping brother and opened the book. First page said " purity lost in vain " and there were a lot of poker faces. I flipped it to the next page and I saw a doodle of me , it was so well done! when did Kaoru get that expert in drawing! I loved the picture a lot. The next page was another drawing of me with him , the only thing is that my face was well drawn while his face was colored in black and there was a word written on it with a pencil while the drawing was done in ink. I tried to read it , it said " why ?" I noticed that he moved a little so I put the doodle book back beside him "oh I was about to wake you up, we've arrived." I said and he removed his hair from his face , looked around for the doodle book and the headphones and he put them in his backpack and went out of the car, I sighed and followed him inside the house.

It was big and sort of gloomy. "welcome masters Hitachiin , master Tamaki is waiting for you on the living room. We entered the hall where Tamaki was waiting for us, Haruhi was sitting on one of the couches while he was sitting on the other one. His hair grew longer, his blue eyes looked old and sort of dead. "Hello man , how are you doing " I said to him "have a seat..Hikaru " I sat on one of the couches while Kaoru walked to Tamaki and sat beside him on the couch. To my surprise I didn't know what to say , but I didn't think that Kaoru would ever agree to sit beside anybody excluding me! " Hey Kaoru " he said in a weird tone and gave my brother a cigarette. Kaoru accepted it and I shared a questioning look with Haruhi. I saw them smoking in silence untill suddenly,Tamaki's doge , Anttonet, ran into the hall and jumped on Kaoru's lap and licked his face , I stood up to take her off of him but Kaoru stroked her head "good girl " he said to her and she woofed ! I got the feeling that Kaoru was visiting Tamaki before. "so how's everything boss?" I broke the silence " everything is fine Hikaru , everything is fine. "

Neither Tamaki nor Kaoru spoke a word all that night unless they were asked a question. We had dinner together and decided to stay the night in here since the weather was horrible outside.

"hey Kaoru .." I put my arm around his shoulder " stop it " he pushed my arm away "yeah sorry , I'll go sleep , good night ." he's acting weird again. Is it because Haruhi is here? He walked to his room and I saw him shutting the door. "Hikaru, let's go" Haruhi took my hand and we walked to one of the guest rooms.

"what do you think should we do?" I asked Haruhi

"we should do nothing " she answered and sat on the huge bed "this is not our fault "

"what do you mean it's not our fault? " I sat on the sofa beside the bed , taking off my shoes "they are both damaged because of us.. maybe if we kept our relationship a secret from the beginning with.." I took off my jacket and she took it and hung it in the closet room " don't you think it's too late now for this talk? I don't feel guilty. it's my own life and my own choices after all ..you know , it's not our fault if they can't go throw it and man up" she said taking off her blouse "yeah but..Kaoru's depressed and Tamaki's eyes are full of… hatred" I said leading her to bed "how about we stop thinking about others and just be ourselves? I mean look at you , all you've been talking about since we arrived back to Japan is Kaoru and Tamaki! " she was annoyed and I knew that but it was too much for me to concentrate on her now that I now recognized how much damage I left on these two .."well *sigh* good night " she was annoyed and didn't look at me. Hours passed and I couldn't sleep so I put on my shoes and decided to go to Kaoru's room.

The corridor was dark but I could see the light coming from his door. So he's still awake , I guessed right.I walked to the room and knocked it then opened it. He was such a mess "Kaoru.." his hair was messy his eyes were red and tears were running out of them , he was holding a bottle of Champaign and standing on the corner of the room "Hikaru I am crazy..I wanna die.." he said in a broken tone and sniffed. I entered and closed the door behind me "I am sorry …" he apologized "for being a burden ..*sniff* I mean..she must be mad at you now..an-" he stopped mumbling cause I took the bottle and wrapped my arms around his shaking body and we sat on his corner "Kaoru .. you are more important to me " I fondled his back till his breath was normal again. "you should..go back to her.." he said looking to my hands. "Kaoru..you know what ? I am the one who's crazy and it's the only way to save you and Tamaki.." he didn't know what was I talking about but it was the only solution left , I brought the blanket and wrap it around Kaoru "put your shoes on " I went to the room where Haruhi was sleeping peacefully and took out my keys and went back to Kaoru.

I lead him to the garage and entered the car "Hikaru, what are you doing?.." he asked and the garage gate got open

"isn't it obvious? I am leaving her and running away with you " I said to him and he got shocked. I drove out of the gate and out of the house , the weather wasn't helping but I could drive anyway

"you left her with Tamaki.." Kaoru said holding his backpack

"yes , she needs to take some responsibility and have a serious talk with him" I said

"she won't be able to leave the house , it's in the middle of nowhere.." he said

"yup"

"what if she..ermm no forget about it.." he said and shacked his head

"you mean what if they fall for each other again? Well…I don't know what to do then. But what matters to me now is you and only you" I said and he opened his eyes in surprise. he lent to my side and left a kiss on my cheek. "you are weird " he said crossing his hands.

It was raining heavily so I stopped the car on the side of the rood " I can't see my way , I suppose we're going to spend the night in the car. " we fixed the car seats so now we can use them to sleep. It was too dark I couldn't see Kaoru "this reminds me of the old days when we used to hide inside one of the cars in our house and spend the night there" I held his hand and shared the blanket with him " yes Hikaru , and they used to lecture us every time" I laughed to that " and then dad told us about the monster that lives in our garage so we stopped going there "

"yeah that was funny " he laughed too

"finally! ..Kaoru you're laughing again! "

"I am a little bit happy, Hikaru"


	6. messed up

**Kaoru POV**

Jealousy can lead to tragedies. Hikaru is not mature enough to see beyond the present and I knew that, I knew he just wanted his girlfriend to have a serious talk with Tamaki , I knew that Hikaru just wants to fix things up but by leaving her alone in that place with a person that has completely changed. Tamaki is no more the happy cheerful person that Hikaru and I once knew. Depression has been feeding on him for a year now, just like it did to me.

Three days have passed since we left my brother's -soon to be ex- girlfriend there. Silence was all I could do until someone broke into our room.

"Huh? Ranka! What's wrong ?" Hikaru said to the terrified man at the door. He was her father. I took a deep breath..

" where is she, Hikaru? WHERE THE HELL IS MY DAUGHTER ?" Ranka was sweaty , angry and horrified "what do you mean where is she? I thought she got back home but was mad at me for leaving her there alone and wouldn't answer her phone.." Hikaru said in a worried tone

"SHE DIDN'T COME HOME FOR THREE DAYS NOW AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS WITH YOU UNTILL KAYOYA CALLED ME SAYING HIS MEN HAVE SEEN HER IN TAMAKI'S CAR!" he spit out and held Hikaru's collar.

I stood back at my corner.

Kayoya stood at the door too , his glasses hiding his eyes but I could feel his anger.

"Calm down man! She must be fine , it's Tamaki after all.." Hikaru said unknowingly of what's really the case. In that note Kayoya looked at my side

"you didn't tell him did you?. How more selfish can you get? " the shadow king said to me and my eyes got teary

.. I am not selfish , she deserved that for hurting me all that time , why couldn't she be the one who's selfish , why is it me. she has hurt me and ruined my life..

I didn't say that to him I kept it to myself.

"don't talk to him like that! goddammit Kayoya ! " Hikaru said to Kayoya

"your innocent twin right there knows that Tamaki has turned to someone so cold and angry , TO SOMEONE THAT WANTS TO REVENGE ! AND NOW HARUHI IS IN DANGER !" Kayoya spit it all at Hikaru who stood there shocked" KAORU KNEW IT ALL BUT HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD TO YOU WHEN YOU FUCKIN DECIDED TO LEAVE HER ALONE WITH TAMAKI! "

"W-what..?" Hikaru said in a tone full of guilt , he looked at me questioning and angry

"my men are searching for her now but we can't be sure that she's still alive.." kayoya finished and left the room with Ranka. Leaving me alone with Hikaru ..

The only light in the room was coming from the fireplace , my corner was drowned in darkness and I hoped I could disappear into it. My brother walked to me in anger and slapped me so hard the I hit the wall and fell down to the floor. "WASN'T I THERE FOR YOU TRYING TO FUCKING LEFT YOU UP ALL THAT TIME AND NOW YOU DO THIS TO ME ! YOU ARE A FUCKIN' RAT KAORU YOU ARE AWFUL! YOU ARE SELFISH ! HER LIFE IS IN RISK NOW ! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU"

he was leaving when I stood up , followed him half the way to the door and screamed out the pain "WHY!.." my chest felt heavy. He stopped and looked back at me. My tears fell down , hurting , burning , and I shouted "WHHHY! " I sobbed and fell down to the floor again. The world was no more there around me , I was mentally isolated as i hugged myself.

The only thing I heard was slamming the door.

He left for her…again

**Hikaru POV**

We were kids in a field when strong wind came by and a leaf flew away from its branch. Kaoru waited for the wind to come again and let the leaf back to the tree. minutes passed by and finally, we saw the whole tree hitting ground.

I put my jacket around my girlfriend's shoulders. We found her in a room in Tamaki's old house , she was left there for 3 days without food or water and gladly Tamaki didn't harm her he just watched her going mad. And he didn't say a word.

"damn you Hikaru .." she said and walked to Ranka who hugged her and left the place. Kayoya was talking to Tamaki about something and I sighed ..

"Hey Hikaru , let's leave" Kayoya said to me and we walked out of the gloomy doors to his car

"man..I have never expected Tamaki to change like this.. " I put the seat belt on and lit a cigarette

"oh yeah .. a lot of things have changed. I am just wondering if Kaoru has told you anything" he said and started driving off the gates.

"he didn't say much about Tamaki. Damn , I should have noticed that he changed this badly but I choose to ignore it" I shacked my head and sighed. He gave me a weird look and smiled "what? Is there anything I don't know?"

"I..well , there's no good way to say that.." he hesitated

"this is the first time I see you hesitating!" I said to him

"I am the worst when it comes to feelings and this shit.." he said and stopped on a traffic light. "you know Hikaru , I have always had feelings for Kaoru.."

I got shocked ! " what! Are you saying this for real?" I couldn't believe him! " yes I am, but he never accepted to go out with me , depression has stopped him from seeing anything around him. he's emotionally destroyed and of course thanks to you "

"ugh , not again , everybody is throwing their problems on me , it's not the end of the world I left with Haruhi for only a year and now everything got fucked up!" I said , refusing to get blamed for this or that.

He dropped me beside the house and I walked in. What a night..it feels eternal , I just want to drown myself under the covers and just sleep!

"Hikaru sama! " a maid walked to me " you are finally here! Please go check Kaoru sama , he's in a very bad shape! " she ran to the room holding a bowl of water . I sighed and walked to Kaoru's room.

"what have you done now..OH MY GOD!" I entered the room and mom was holding Kaoru while the doctor was trying to stop the bleeding in his wrists. "Jesus! what happened here!" I walked to them "you fucking tell me Hikaru! What have you done to him ?" mom was shaking while holding Kaoru, I knelt down in front of him. seems that I fucked shit up again. there's nothing i could do , I held his face with my hands and fondled his cheeks " look ..I'm so so sorry Kao, I really am sorry " his eyes were buffed and he didn't want to look at me "listen I am an idiot.. I can't hold myself when I am angry and you know that. You shouldn't cut yourself , this is not going to solve anything it'll only hurt you" I said to him but he didn't say a thing instead he sobbed again

"mom , can you leave us alone please " I said but she shacked her head refusing "no Hikaru , how on earth do you slap him?.." she was really angry at me "you were the only person he trusted, I was building hope on you .. I was waiting for Kaoru to come back. But you damn destroyed him even more than before and now you are asking me to leave him alone with you!" she looked down on me. I deserve it. The doctor finished and went out "I'll come back sweety" mom said to Kaoru , gave me the death look and followed our doctor.

"look at me , Kaoru ..please.." I said , sat beside him and brushed my fingers to his silky hair, but he just looked to his wrists. "do you want me to leave..?" I asked him "..no" he simply answered still not looking at me. I moved his hair from his face and left a kiss on his left cheek , the one I slapped. He got surprised but didn't say a thing so I left another kiss beside the first one and another and another "forgive me ?" I said brushing his hair with my hand "..not yet.. " he said in a very low tone

I got his point and looked at mom beside the door. I left the bed and slammed the door shut and locked it with the key "DAMN HIKARU OPEN THE DOOR!" mum screamed from the other side " nope , let me fix this ..I am his big brother after all " I said so and mum didn't answer. I looked back at Kaoru who finally looked at me. I took off my shoes and socks and left them beside the door. I sat beside him and fondled his chine and we stared at each other's eyes for almost two minutes. I touched his lips and slowly closed mine with his. It was deep and I loved it now more than anything else.

I kissed him again and he kissed me back ,I squeezed my eyes. he put his arms around my shoulders and I did the same around his waist. This is not going to end innocently this time.

After what Kayoya told me about his feelings to Kaoru , something clicked inside of me.. I don't want anybody else to touch Kaoru. we stopped kissing and looked at each other's eyes for seconds before Kaoru shacked his head and unbuttoned my shirt "don't stop now..please stop running from your feelings" he bit my neck and I slipped my hands under his shirt and touched his chest. I was out of my mind. "ah-uh" a moan ran out of his mouth when I touched his hips "I like it there.." he whispered to my ear and took off my shirt, I was getting turned on. I took off his belt and unbuttoned his pants و slipped it down slowly. I went up and kissed his lips again hugging him while leaving kisses on his shoulder and neck.

I took off his shirt so now he was half naked " damn , come here " I held him tightly and licked his nipples "uh..umm.." he moaned again , I took off my pants because he was moving slowly and I got really hard. We were standing beside the bed so I got this crazy idea. I left him up "WHA!" he shouted and wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed my lips , I did the same and walked some steps around the bed before falling on it with him on my lap "what was that for hahaha!" he laughed and that made me feel better.

I was upon him and my nose touching his when everything hit me at once.. I was making out with Kaoru. I felt weird for a minute and I think he sensed that "what's the matter Hikaru ?" I looked at him , I can't disappoint him once more.." nothing dear " I smiled to him and kissed his forehead "hey…you aren't sure about that right?.." he said looking to the other side of the room " screw it ! why should I be sure about anything!" I took off his boxers and took all of him in my mouth , I have never done that before but I didn't want to stop anyways. He took a deep breath "AAHH UHH! HIKARU.." His moans were load I thought that I must be doing it right so I started moving and looked up at him , he was wiggling while holding the bed sheets tightly. His cheeks were pink and he looked hot and got hard in seconds , I stopped sucking and kissed him instead , he was breathing hardly " I ..I love you Hikaru..I love you so damn much" he was about to cry when I gave him a deep French kiss "hey Kaoru , I am sure about this" I brought a random skin cream and put it on my hand while Kaoru took off my boxers "lemme do it " he held the cream and shyly held my dick "ummm.." a moan escaped from me, he spread it on me , I was extremely hard and ready for this.

Kaoru spread his legs and I took a long look at him "you're sexy " I touched him everywhere and kissed his legs "oh socks !" he was still wearing them and I took them off and kissed his toes.

I was bracing myself when he started laughing "wha! Did I do something wrong?" I got embarrassed, he sat straight and left a kiss on my lips "fingering first , you should get me ready before ..entering , you know baby " he kissed my neck "oh yeah ! right! " I have never seen gay porn before or anything close to that! I put cream on my fingers and Kaoru flipped on his belly , I touched his buttocks , he's really cute.

Even when we are twins he's a little more curvy. I pressed my body on him while my fingers were finding their way inside him. I kissed his neck again and noticed the hecky I left "AAH WOOH THIS FEELS GREAT" he screamed to me as I stabbed his hole with my two fingers and added the third after awhile "you're good ?" I was hitting my point , I needed to enter him immediately "umm..yeah..good" I took my fingers out and flipped him "Hikaru, be gentle " he said "yeah sure "I saidو not really knowing how should you be gentle in sex!.

I braced myself and entered him slowly "JEEEZ! TOO TIGHT " I screamed "AAHHH UHH" Kaoru moaned with me, it felt amazingly great , I had sex with Haruhi before but this is nothing close to that. He wiggled under me in pleasure , I waited a little till we both got used to it "uhhh okay ,unn move..give me more" I did as he ordered. I entered him fully and started moving in and out and both of us were moaning really load , gladly all the house rooms prevent sounds from being heard outside the room unless you are standing beside the door , so it never really matters!. We wear sweaty of all that hotness. After more hits we changed the position and he sat on my lap , we kissed and hugged while doing it , and I bet Kaoru loved that position more, "..uhh I am close.." I moved faster "hika..inside me " he moaned while breathing hardly , his cum was coming out on my belly and chest "AHHH" we both came together , I pushed inside more as I came.

I slipped out of him and relaxed beside him , "I love you Kao" hugged him closer to me , too tightly , I could never hurt him again , I'd rather die than doing that " I forgive you.."he said and that made me smile "promise me not to cut yourself ever again" I said brushing my fingers to his hair and breathing his scent "I promise " , "good , I am proud of you Kao" I kissed him on the top of his head. "it was great yeah?" he asked and I smiled rolling on the bed with him "best sex ever " we cuddled for some time but decided to have a shower before sleeping, we were covered in sweat and cum anyways.

The shower went calm , each one of us was drowned into his own deep thoughts. I wondered of where is this going to take us and if we are going to close into our own world again , was Kaoru dragging me into his corner instead of me dragging him out of his corner? I really didn't know , but I am sure of one thing , my feelings for him are all real.

We finished the shower and dried our hair "this is the longest and best day of my life.." I said to him and he smiled , "oh wait..the bed is a mess we can't sleep on it like that" Kaoru said "meh , no big deal , let's go sleep on that blanket nest again " I said , he smiled happily and took my hand as we walked out the bedroom to our own cage.

* * *

**most of the story is about how you deal with someone that is depressed. it's not about the events so i didn't want them to take a big part.**

**also sorry for the late update , i made this chapter longer for you guys XD 3**

**leave reviews guys :D let me know if you have any ideas that you want me to add.**

**, oh and btw the kiddo that is named "fan whatsoever " you need to learn how to type first before leaving reviews and you should change your name when you want to leave two separated comments with completely different opinions, also i believe you are mentally sick to do such thing , but you know you can change the way you write some words so i wouldn't know you are the same crazy homophobic teenager. dumbo **


	7. emptiness

**Kaoru POV**

"yeah he's sleeping.."Hikaru whispered to her on the phone. It was too dark , the only light was coming from his mobile showing the edge of his left eye and cheek as he pressed the phone on his ear. I kept my breath steady and that's one of the hardest thing to do especially when you are hurt, but I did it this time, enough is enough ..it's my turn to revenge now. I won't let her steal him again.

He was sitting on the blanket beside me , didn't even bother to go under it "you know it's always going to be you.." he said to her while brushing my hair slowly with his fingertips. How could you betray two people at the same time! I never get it and I never knew why! "you think we should? .. I am not sure that my brother can handle me leaving again..no I can't" he said. At least this makes me feel a little better. He moves a lock of hair and continued brushing my hair." I'll see you tomorrow at 5 .. love you too " I pretended not hearing the last part for my own good , I refused to accept it anymore. He put his cell phone aside and sighed "..oh my sweetheart.. " he murmured on my forehead and wrapped his arms round me , still not under the blanket. His warm breaths made me feel loved "I don't know what to do anymore…I am so confused " he hugged me tightly and I could feel his breath getting faster ..he's crying. "Hika.." I moved my arms and hugged him back "oh..sorry I woke you ..I just.." he spoke in a broken tone , I fondled his back "I understand you dear brother" I closed my eyes enjoying the moment, it's rare for Hikaru to cry on my shoulder "I know you do" he took a deep breath and pressed small kisses on my neck. I felt my heart racing. He separated from me. I could feel his eyes on me even though I can't see him. "Hikaru.." I said and took his hands "yes.." he engaged his fingers with mine " everything will be alright " I smirked and left a fast kiss on his lips as I slept on my belly facing the other side of the room. my blanket moved and I could feel Hikaru sliding under it. He touched my shoulders and rest his head on my back and I felt safe and protective. We slept like that all night.

The next morning I went to my college with Hikaru and once we left the car we saw her standing in front of us "Oh! Haruhi , hey.. " Hikaru sounded weird. "Hey dear , I couldn't wait until 5 to see you " she walked to him wanting to wrap her arms around him when I dis the stupidest thing ever. I pushed Hikaru aside from her , she stopped and both of them looked surprisingly at me. "eh..Kaoru ?" my brother questioned " I..I am sorry , I'll get going " and so I left them behind me and walked inside the huge halls of Ouran college.

I didn't want to look behind me. It's not like I had this small hope of him following me.

I entered my lecture hall and took off my papers , it was my turn to give a presentation today and I thought I was finally ready to stand and speak in front of everybody. "Kaoru Hitachiin , the stage is yours " the professor said and I vacillated. "yeah.." I walked to the stage and looked at everyone , their eyes on me. One of them said a joke and everybody started laughing, I got nervous even more. "everybody stop. Hitachiin , go on " the professor said and I nodded. I put the papers on the table in front of me and took a deep breath " hello everybody..I am going to talk about .." and I forgot everything.. it's like all their faces all their eyes were mixing together , I could hear the laughter inside my head , the insults, and I felt weak , I couldn't stop them from interrupting me. I couldn't make them shut up and listen to what I was going to say. I hate myself for being weak ..I can never protect myself from the world. And that hurts..

I left my papers on the table and ran out of the hall enough with the college , I don't want to come here again. " damn damn damn" I cursed and kicked the wall "fuck this ..fuck my life" I really worked hard to present those papers and I was relaying on Hikaru , if he only was there with me this would have worked. I slipped down and sat on the floor somewhere away from everybody.

My phone rang and I looked up at the screen "hika..?"

" Kaoru ..my head had been a mess since last night..I don't know what to do" I heard him sighing " on top of everything , you know how things have been complicated lately , I think if I stay around you I'll end up on hurting you even more.." he stopped and I opened my eyes wildly "you're not leaving again are you? Hikaru ! "

"Even if I say I won't hurt you and came up with excuses every time , what is going to change?" his tone was desperate

"..nothing.." he said quietly

"Hikaru.." I felt badly hurt and couldn't stop tears from falling " I have been so lost for so long already ..will you ever understand this? No one understands..no one knows who I really am , HIKARU I AM TIERED OF MY LIFE " I brought my legs close to my chest and sobbed quietly.

"Kaoru.." he was standing in front of me, I put the phone aside and looked at him , this messy expression on his face , I could never read. He sat beside me, lit me a cigarette and pressed it between my lips.

"why do you think we came into this world separately? " I asked him as he rested his arm around my shoulder. He didn't know the answer but I have always wondered about that. "we used to be one , our blood and skin , our bones .. they all came from the same place. So why are our hearts so different ?" I asked him and looked at that cigarette burning, only looking at it. "no matter how hard I try to fill it , it's still empty. Even when you were trying to give me what I wanted.." I held my shirt " it's still empty.. " my tears were running and hitting his arm, he pressed me closer to him " my heart was made only for you to fill it Hikaru, I have been in pain , aching and yearning, to the point where I am going mad .." I said and he brushed his fingers to his hair " I knew it would never work but I couldn't help it but desiring you in that way, there's nothing I can do ..I know I have damaged everything ..AHHA" I screamed to the empty corridors and stood up , I pushed his arm away from my shoulder , the warmth that it left on my shoulder was burning me. I have been longing for something that doesn't exist. "KAORU !" I was running away and he followed me "I am the one that should leave " I said to myself. I stood on the window " WHAT ARE YOU DOING! KAORU GET DOWN !"

"there's nothing more you need to know.." I looked to the floor down , I was in the 4th floor

Hikaru broke in tears and was shaking " IF YOU DO THAT I'LL THROW MYSELF AFTER YOU" he shouted and I smiled coldly , no you won't. he raised his arms to me ..what is he doing "up until this day , how many times have I exactly hurt you..now that I finally noticed ..there's nothing I can say that matters anymore..Kaoru..I am sorry ..I can't ..wrong was meant for us to be.. " he was shaking and speaking nonsense "please fall to my arms instead..please kao"

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE !" I saw people gathering from everywhere staring at us, spiting insults ,asking me to throw myself already , Hikaru shouted at them to shut up . they laughed at us as if we were scum bags. So that's life. I don't want this anymore "KAORU NOOO!NO!NOO" I looked at Hikaru for the last time and murmured "I love you, I am sorry .." and threw myself outside that window. Everything went black.

**Hikaru POV**

I couldn't breathe , Kaoru's gone!

" I CATCH HIM , I CATCH HIM " I heard someone shouting from under the window "HE'S ALIVE I CATCH HIM" I stood on my feet hoping that I wasn't imagining what the voice was saying. I was shaking as I ran to the window, I looked to the ground , there was one of the security men holding Kaoru "oh..oh my god..oh my god.." a girl walked to me "relax he's okay , have some water " I am dizzy and shaking, "he's still alive , he's still alive " the girl repeated to me and I took a deep breath , I couldn't hold the bottle probably , my hands were shaking. I heard the ambulance coming, I stood with shaking body and ran to the ground floor.

My mentally state was shit , I couldn't concentrate at all ,I was shocked and my tears didn't stop running down my face , nothing physically has happened to Kaoru and I am so glad , he's still alive. We sat in the ambulance , Kaoru has fainted while falling down and I was breathing hardly..they helped me into some oxygen mask and one of the doctors held me "he's alright son , calm down now , take a breath okay. "he said to me and searched for my wallet , he opened it and looked at my ID " Hikaru Hitachiin.." he held my shaking hands and I looked at him as if I came back to the present "K-Kaoru.." I said when I saw my brother laying on a bed in the ambulance "he's alright ,Hikaru. We'll take you and your twin brother to the hospital now and everything is going to be fine , yeah " he said to me and I calmed myself. I removed my tears and nodded to the man. Kaoru looked peaceful while he slept. My hand slipped under the thin blanket and found his hand , I held it tightly and brought myself close to him, I rest my head on his shoulder " I am so ..sorry Kao..i am .." I sobbed badly, nothing can stop this guilt, Kaoru has committed suicide for the second time because of me.


	8. Hallucinations

**Third person POV**

The rumors didn't stop in Ouran college , everybody was talking about what happened to Kaoru. the man from the security guard said he saw Kaoru 2 minutes before he jumped out of the window so he was able to catch him in the perfect minute. They said he was bullied from almost everyone in the college , they said that his brother is the one that pushed him to do such thing, other students said it was depression that lead him to do that.

In the hospital ,doctors and specialists were discussing the twins relationship with their parents.

"Hikaru , the older twin , he's suffering from Culpability delirium , seems that before the accident they had a fight or something like that and Hikaru was the reason. " a black skin specialist said to Yuzuha, the twins mother.

" Kaoru had enough, I don't know exactly what is happening between them but since Hikaru left with his girlfriend to Canada , Kaoru told me that Hikaru didn't want him around anymore and that he was replaced with Haruhi. when Hikaru came back ,we all thought that finally things will start getting better " the mother said before she broke in tears " but three days ago one of the maids found Kaoru bleeding on the floor , he has cut himself and this wasn't the first time he does that , he did it before when Hikaru was in Canada but this time his cuts were deep , I knew he had enough already" she moved her tears by a tissue , the father was silent but he took her hand as she continued "he told me that Hikaru has slapped him and that he is sick of being treated like dirt by everyone." She finished.

"I understand. So what about Hikaru? Tell me about him " he said and the mother got a little bit nervous " I have always cared more about Kaoru , Hikaru was tougher , he looked like he always knew what to do and didn't need any help , even when they were kids so I just didn't pay much attention to him..I..I don't really know him , we have never talked about his personal life he has drifted away from the family long time ago" she finished and the doctor wrote some notes and looked at the father who didn't bother to say a word.

"Kaoru is suffering from time disorientation, weak insight and concentration and there's a possibility of audiovisual hallucination .. your kid is terrified from the world " the parents were shocked "oh my god , please doctor you have to help him we'll pay you as much as you want , but please help Kaoru ..he's a nice guy he doesn't deserve all this" the mother said to the doctor who shacked his head and left the room.

The doctor stood outside Hikaru's room "this kids' state is more dangerous than his brothers' state , he would end up committing suicide or killing someone out of guilt , keep him under attention" the doctor said to the nurses as he opened the door to the room

Hikaru was there on bed staring at the wall for a minute then crying and screaming the other minute, everything that happened in the last year was repeating itself to him over and over. He was losing his mind "I'll never forgive myself ..i'll never forgive myself.." he kept repeating to himself.

"Hello Hikaru" the doctor said but Hikaru didn't look at him " would you want to see Kaoru?" they exchanged looks before Hikaru said "yes " , the doctor led him to the next room and left him by the door.

Hikaru Knocked and entered.

**Hikaru POV**

He was lying on bed calmly , the table lamp beside him was the only source of light. I noticed that they have put him in a room that doesn't have a window. His hair was messy and he didn't bother to fix it "Hi.." I said to him , he looked out of place as if he was daydreaming. I sat on the chair beside the bed and touched hand , he moved all of a sudden "HIKARU!" and shouted my name , he moved the blanket and sat straightly. His eyes were glowing "Kao.." he wrapped his arms around my shoulders , this is the last thing I expected after everything I've done to him. he hugged me tightly and I hugged him back for almost 2 minutes. When we separated he looked worried "why..why are you sad?" he asked and I got surprise "what do you mean why? after everything I have done to you..I'd never forgive myself..if I didn't agree on Haruhi's idea .. if I didn't tell you I should leave , we wouldn't be here now ..you wouldn't commit suicide.." I said the last part very hardly

"hmm..that happened long time ago I already forgot about it" he said and I wasn't sure if he really is okay anymore..that happened long time ago! It was all 5 hours ago when he threw himself out of the window "what are you saying Kaoru .." I said "I don't even know what am I doing here , they would have missed us now in the host club " he said and I was totally confused ..the host club? The last activity we had in the host club was 1 year and 5 months ago. Suddenly the same doctor that asked me to come here entered the room again and walked to us "hello Kaoru " he said to my brother "lay down please " he asked him and Kaoru lied down on bed , the doctor checked his eyes and gave me a suspicious look then looked back at Kaoru " do you know in what year are we, Kaoru ?" he asked him "hmm yeah, 2013" the doctor sighed and I looked totally confused ..what happened to him.." how old are you? " the doctor asked and Kaoru was confused , he looked at me for help but the doctor put his index on his mouth , telling me not to answer. My brother put his hands around his head " I forgot.." he said and looked really confused, I bated his back "it's okay kao.." he was scared "oh it's lunch time , what do you guys like for lunch" the doctor asked us and we both answered at the same time "pasta " , he nodded and asked me to follow him "I'll be right back" I said to Kaoru.

I closed the door behind me and looked to the doctor "what's wrong with Kaoru ?" the doctor wrote something on his note and then looked at me "well , time disorientation , seems that to him. the last year events happened years ago. 2014 has been shifted not erased that's why when I asked about his age he couldn't answer" he said and I was surprised and confused "what! Why did that happened ?" I asked him in frustration "well when you are falling from the 4th floor to the ground , you for sure know that you are going to die , and as we all have seen in movies and stories , we see our life passes by while dying , as an experience knowledge he did that subconsciously while he was falling and then he fainted when the security guy catch him. So in his mind he has died already. It's so confusing I know. But what you need to know is that this is all good for him"

"what! How is that good for him?" I asked

"look , I have talked to your parents..your mom told me of how much you have hurt him in the past year. you know how pain fades with time? since last year has already shifted in his mind , it's possible that he doesn't feel broken or depressed anymore. So this is all good, I suppose he has forgiven you already" the doctor smiled to me

"eh..I see " this made me feel better , the guilt I was feeling started fading away. I entered the room again. I think I should be careful with him , I wonder if he remembers that we kissed and did all kind of things together..I hope he doesn't.

"hey Hika , help me take this thing off " he pointed at the hospital rob he was wearing and I started unbuttoning it from behind. "Hikaru , they didn't tell me why I was brought here" he said and I got nervous ..should I lie to him.. or not.." you didn't sleep well yesterday so umm you fainted ..they said we can't leave yet " I took off his rob so he got naked. He looked around to find a bag and opened it , they were the clothes he was wearing before. I got terrified , I didn't want him to remember what happened or to connect that with this. He stared at the orange blouse and the black jeans for a moment and said "didn't I throw this blouse and these pants from the window before?!" he said and looked at me ,I was nervous and didn't know what to say "eh..maybe" he raised his shoulders "whatever, I need boxers " he searched in the bag again " found it "

I sat on the bed watching him wearing his clothes and singing some melodies to himself . he seems happy. "Kaoru , how do you feel?" my tone showed him that I was worried "great , it's like I was born again or something .." he walked to me and looked straight to my eyes "you don't look fine ,Hikaru "he held my hands "eh I am just worried about you though " I said and smiled to him, he bite his lip, he looked at me and then shacked his head. He knew I was lying. And so kaoru walked to the bed and went under the cover

" I hate Haruhi " he said and flipped to the other side. This is the first time in ever I hear him saying ,Haruhi. He always refers to her as, she or your girlfriend "why do you hate her, Kaoru?" I asked him " I don't know. It's just a strong feeling inside me. but you don't hate her Hika , do you?" he flipped and looked me in the eye " I think after everything, I hate her the most" this is the truth, she was the reason of everything. "make her disappear, Hikaru " he rolled on the bed "I will " I said to him. I need to get out of here.


	9. I feel alive

**Kaoru POV**

"they all hate you "

"you are never wanted "

"you don't deserve to be loved "

"you are bathetic, needy and annoying "

"you are disgusting "

"you deserve to die"

Voices and echoes insulted me all at once , I am not even aware of where the hell am I or what am I doing here around all those haters I just know that I believe in everything they tell me. and it's killing. Yet I can never find the power to shut them up. I am terrified as I walked my way around them all.

In this place I can see a million faces I don't know.."DIE KAORU " they tell me to die and I die.

"Kaoru! " I hear my name and immediately open my eyes , breathing harshly, my vision wasn't clear but I know I just woke up from a nightmare.

"are you alright?" someone asks me but I can't recognize the voice , his identikits were mixing with someone else besides him, it is terrifying I can't watch that. "GET AWAY " I scream to them and cover my eyes with my hands. I am so cold and my heart is racing in my chest.

They forced me to the bed and a strange feeling ran down my hand , they gave me some shot. Suddenly I felt relaxed and things got clearer.

I looked at the wall as my vision got better, I can't bring any idea to my head expect that right now I am not sleeping anymore

"Kaoru , are you alright?" I recognize this voice , it's Hikaru, I just don't have the courage to look to his face. I squeeze my eyes not to look at him but his hand reached my forehead and touched it.

"Hikaru , where am I?" opened my eyes slightly

"we're still at the hospital" there was something wrong in his tone again. I remembered that I was brought to hospital before.

"did you have a nightmare?" he asked and brushed my hair with his fingers , made me relax "yeah..a lot of people asked me to die and cursed at me..I was scared as hell ,Hikaru , why would they want me to die..what have I done to them?" I looked at his golden eyes "nothing Kaoru , you've done nothing , it's just a nightmare okay?" he said and I nodded. What's with the guilty look in his eyes. I sat straightly. The look in his eyes is torturing me. if anything is wrong in this world it would be me not Hikaru , never him. I raised my hands and captured his face , we looked straightly at each other's eyes, he is so sad. I got closer to him , my nose touched his as I went down, the urge to taste his lips and remove that expression from his face pushed me and I kissed him slowly , passionately and lovingly and I don't know what exactly gave me that urge but it pushed me to do it and it just happened. I looked straightly to his eyes , he was surprised "eh.." he touched his lips and looked to the floor "please be honest with me Kaoru, How far do you remember about us?" he asked me . "us?" I asked " you are confusing me.." he stepped back gave me a strange look "we'll talk later" he left the room.

"..what was I thinking" I left the bed and put on my sneakers, when I opened the door there was a security man sitting beside the door "hello.." I said looking around for Hikaru "sir you are not allowed to leave this room " the man said "why is that ! I am not even sick " I said to him and wanted to push him away

"it's okay let him go " someone said from behind us

"OH master Kayoya !" the man said and I looked behind me

"Kayoya! Wow..you look different from the last time I saw you" I said to my friend , he looked older and stronger , actually more manly than the last time I remember I saw him.

" oh , it's because the events are mixed in your head , I guess the last time you think you saw me was back in the host club , am I right?" he said smiling to me and I found that very strange, he always seemed as a cold person "eh..well , you are really cute when you smile" I said but he ignored me " so why are you out of your room ?" he asked "umm Hikaru got mad at me " he gave me his hand. This is surprising I used to think that Kayoya is untouchable. He held my hand and smiled warmly " let's go for a walk" he led me along the corridor. To be beside someone that is stronger than you yet is holding your hand gives a feeling of security.

"so how do you feel lately?" he asked me and handed me a cup of coffee

"great , I have a lot of energy as if I was a little kid again. It makes me wanna go play and mess around " I took a sip from the cup "but there are those nightmares that won't leave my side and I don't know why. I mean I know that doctors told me there's a gap between present and past in my mind but I still think there is something messing , I can't remember anything about what happened last year ..it's like it all happened when I was 10 or something ..the pictures aren't clear and I burly remember faces or names. This makes me feeling lost inside. I look at Hikaru for answers but the only thing I find is that guilty look.."

"everything is going to be okay , what you don't know can never hurt you " he looked at the window

"but it's my right to know" I insisted

"look buddy , your blades don't hurt when you have no fear, this burning flame of you has burnt enough" he pointed to my chest exactly to my heart. "if your window's crack has been replaced then ..why do you want to have the old ones instead of keep going …it's your chance to be alive again, Kaoru" he put his cup away and replaced his hands on my shoulders " I am begging you to let it all behind and start over again " he is honest with me and wants me to move on , he cares. I have never received this feeling from anyone except my family.

In my eye corner I noticed Hikaru standing in the other side of the hall "Oh there's Hikaru ! I'll talk to you later , thanks for the advise though"I smiled and wanted to walk to my brother when Kayoya held my arm and stopped me

"umm Kaoru .." he looked nervous and that's something abnormal for him

"what is it Kayoya?"

"will you go out with me? I mean as in a date"

I was a little bit confused because I remembered that happening before. I suddenly remembered that I also rejected him before but I don't remember why! Kayoya is actually a nice person once you get to know him.

"okay no problem , I just need to leave the hospital first"

" yes sure , great ! I'll call you then " he looked extremely happy as he walked away ,and that made me wonder about many things. What happened before and made me reject him? I turned my head to the other side and walked to Hikaru.

Replaced my arms around him and hugged him from the back "huh! Oh Kaoru , you surprised me" I hid my face on his shoulder "Hikaru.."

"yes?"

"let's go hang out" I suggested

"we're not allowed to leave yet" he answered

"I don't care , let's get out of here ,please" i gave him the puppy eyes

"umm alright , even though mom is going to kill me if she knows that we ran away" he added " let it be, come on" I dragged him to the hospital doors and we went out.

**Hikaru POV**

It's cloudy now , I looked around the place , the hospital was behind us and we were on the other side of the street. I looked at my brother who was full of energy and happy. I didn't see him like this in ages so that made me happy as well.

He was looking around , searching for something and then he smirked

"huh? What are you going to do?" I asked , while he walked to a taxi driver who was fighting with another guy.

"follow me " he said smirking like a little devil , the two men were fighting when Kaoru entered the taxi and sat behind the steering wheel!

He must have lost his mind ! he drove back and stopped to pick me "YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME!" this is the first time he does something this crazy!

"ENTER!" he shouted while the taxi driver noticed us.

"STOP IT YOU FUCKER!" he shouted at us and I entered the car, Kaoru drove us away

"What the fuck?!" I said questioning him when he started laughing out loud " HAHAHA! I wanted to try and steal a car! HAHAHA that was amazing!" I looked at him worriedly, this is not like him at all. Suddenly we heard a police car coming from a near street so he stopped the car in the middle of the road and went out. I followed him.

"KAO! WHERE ARE WE GOING!" I shouted while we ran on the sidewalk

"I DON'T KNOW JUST KEEP RUNING WITH ME" he shouted and ran down the street then suddenly stopped , I took a deep breath "what is it now?" I asked and his eyes were glowing, what the hell is going on in his mind! He smirked and entered a garden that was full of really tall guys playing basketball. I stayed away and only looking at my brother losing his mind.

"nice muscles " Kaoru said to those guys and they all checked him from head to toe as if he was some chick, well he is skinny and his hair is pretty longer than mine let alone he's wearing skinny jeans "..they probably got the point already." One of them walked to him, lent down and said something to Kaoru's ear while my brother nodded. The guy gave him the ball and he played around and threw it to the basket, we used to play in the past so it's not surprising that he got it right in the basket.

"wohoo I did it !" he said and jumped around " Great job !" the other guy said , I sighed and decided to enter the garden. That guy gave him a card "Call me" he said to Kaoru who took the card and hid it in his pocket, I rolled my eyes. this is making me feel annoying but I don't have the right to stop him. if he doesn't really remember what happened between us then he doesn't belong to me anymore and I can't stop him. he noticed me and ran away

"Jesus! " I got frustrated and ran after him again "Hey Kaoru! will you stop for a moment! We need to talk!" I said while following him but he ignored me and kept running.

He stopped at some ice-cream store and got one. I walked to him and put my hand on his shoulder "Hika, you look like a mess!" he looked at me then raised his hand and moved my hair to the back "I have been running after you for like-" he forced the ice cream to my mouth "ugh!" this is getting into my nerves "HAHA! you got some on your cheek" I got angry and wanted to say something but he stopped me again with his tongue on my cheek and down to the corner of my lips! he licked the ice-cream away and replaced it with a kiss. I got shocked and blushed at the same time. "you silly boy ,Hikaru" he whispered to my ear and ran away again. "what are you looking at!" I said to the kids that were playing beside us and followed Kaoru again. "I just hope for this day to end cause I am not enjoying my time at all! " I said to myself while he entered some commoner clothing shop " oh god! Please tell me he's not going to buy clothes from here!" I opened the door and saw him picking some shirt and skinny shorts " these look really gay you know" I said from behind him "you don't say!" he said to me and went to the changing room "what ! you can't be serious , don't dress like that! " I shouted but he closed the changing room doors behind him " hey listen ! I am sick of this and not gonna walk the street with you wearing these fucked up outfits!" I said "Fuck off Hikaru , I don't give a shit if you like me or not! all I actually want is to play around!" he said and I sighed and lent to the wall "what's wrong with you Kao?"

He opened the door , wearing that shirt and shorts with his sneakers "what is wrong with me? I wanna have fun for once okay ! but what is wrong with you ,Hikaru? You are acting like an old dick! Yet it's fine , if you wanna do that then you can simply go back and lay on that hospital bed while I am enjoying my life and fucking shit around!" he looked angry "dammit Kao , what I am trying to say is that you are not acting like yourself, that's all" I shouted back at him "oh really! Then tell me how to act like myself cause I don't fucking know myself anymore! And guess what ! I don't care..this is the first time I ever feel alive Hikaru!" this is the first time I see Kaoru speaking like this, he is confident and strong , I would be the worst person ever if I stand against him this time. I sighed " just don't hurt yourself" I lent down and fixed his shoelace "so are you coming with me?" he asked ,I looked up at him "I can't let some guy annoy you " he smiled to me lovingly

we went to the cash to pay for Kaoru's clothes "what do you mean you don't accept visa card ?" I said questioning "pay by cash please" the woman behind the cash said "I don't have any cash with me " I said to her " oh well I am sorry then but you have to let the clothes back" she said but Kaoru took my hand "fuck you bitch " he said and gave her a finger surprise! I looked strangely at him , next thing I know both of us running out of the store and the woman screaming for police.

After running around for almost 10 minutes we finally stopped "that was crazy !" I shouted "HAHAH!" He laughed and looked around then I saw him pointing at something "Hikaru look!" I turned my head and looked to where he was pointed "gay club" I read as Kaoru ran and entered the place "you must be kidding me!" I cursed under my breath and followed him.

The walls were full of lights and posters, I didn't want to look at the posters, I gave my visa card to the guy at the doors , fortunately he took it. We went down the stairs , there was a bar , the guys working there were wearing golden jackets and shorts , there were guys kissing on the corner and other guys dancing on the dance floor , I rolled my eyes to the sight but then I could see Kaoru on the dancing floor moving his body and laughing and this makes me think to myself " just when I thought that time was running out for us ,you just move the hands upon the clock , You throw coins in the wishing well for us, You just move your hands upon the wall. It comes to you begging you to stop and wake up but you just move your hands upon the clock  
You make me believe that you are still in charge.."


	10. Lost inside

**Kaoru POV**

The band on stage played great music while the club was full with hot guys and alcohol , pretty much everything I want out of life. I jumped and danced and screamed out load, a lot of guys gave me their cards and numbers and I kept the them for later if I ever get bored. "hello sexy! " the main singer of the band said pointing to me "what's your name?" he asked " Kaoru " I answered, he held the mike again and said "our next song is for Kaoru over here , put your hands up everyone" he screamed and started singing , I was really extremely happy! A song specially for me! wow that was great. I looked beside me to see Hikaru , crossing his arms and looking mad.

I ignored my pissed off brother and tried to hide from him so I walked between people to another spot. The music was so cool that I couldn't stop my body from moving with it.

Suddenly two strong arms found their way around my west "huh!" I got scared and looked up "hey sweetheart " an older creepy man "how about we spend the night together ha?" he smirked to me "fuck off !" I tried to move his arms but he only brought me closer to him ,I could feel his boner on me "HE SAID FUCK OFF YOU BASTARD" I heard Hikaru and saw a chair flying to that man's face making him letting go of me , I stood behind Hikaru, when that man stood back up and blew a punched back to my brother. The fight was about to start when the security guys interfered and stopped them "let's leave " Hikaru pulled my arm and we left the club and ran away in the cold dark streets .

"oh my god Hikaru that was awesome!" I said to him in excitement!

"well , you wanna dress like this and go to places like that ,you must be ready to meet up with assholes " he looked frustrated and didn't look at me

"so this is the part where you get mad at me until I apologize and say thank you for saving my ass?" I ironically said

"I am not mad " he said

"yeah right " I rolled my eyes. we walked beside creepy homeless who gave me strange looks "Hikaru..maybe it's better to call our driver "

"hell no , you wanted to mess around didn't you? You can't quit before the game is over " he said smirking to himself. That drove me mad , just because I don't have my wallet or my cell phone with me this doesn't give him the right to tell me where I should stop or what I should do "are you speaking for real ,Hikaru?" I asked madly

"oh yeah, I am dead serious " he stopped walking and looked me in the eye

"okay then , I'll go back to the club and ask someone to give me a ride" I said to him and turned my back to him.

"what! Hey stop ! you are seriously out of your mind you know!" he followed me and held my arm. I stopped and looked away " Hikaru, are you worried about me or just jealous and don't want anyone to touch me?" I asked out of nowhere, not knowing why actually. He was about to say something but then stopped and took a deep breath "you don't know anything" he said to me and I couldn't but to notice that I somehow have hurt him. We didn't say anything for awhile until he noticed that I was shivering and took off his jacket "here" he put it around my shoulders "you know ..about what you said later on.." he said, I knelt down and rest my head on his shoulder as he spoke while he rest his arm around me. it made me feel warmer "yeah?" I asked "I do get jealous sometimes and I do get worried about you as much" his answer made my heart beat faster , I looked straightly to his eyes and smiled " Hikaru.." I moved his hair aside "have I ever told you of how glad am I to have you by my side.." I said "hey , stop that.." he smiled and looked away " if we weren't brothers I am sure I would have fallen in love with you " I meant what I said. I couldn't but to notice the strange look he gave me "umm well I am afraid that if I don't find a guy like you Hikaru then this place in my heart will always be empty.." I held his arms tightly, didn't want him to go away. He brushed his fingers to my hair as he checked his phone "my phone is dead" my brother said. I sighed and wore his jacket properly, buttoned it too "well let's see..i don't really know in what part of the city are we" he stood up and looked around "come on , let's go to a restaurant or somewhere warm ..we can borrow a phone" I crossed my arms to warm myself , wearing shorts wasn't a good idea "yeah " he brought me closer to his body and I felt warmed , damn Hikaru makes me feel good , he knows exactly how and when I need him.

We walked a street or two until we noticed pizza hut "oh boy , this is the sexiest scene ever " Hikaru said looking at the restaurant "yeah! I am starving " we ran and entered it immediately.

**Hikaru POV**

We sat around the table and ordered everything on the list. Kaoru sat in front of me instead of beside me, he rest his head on the table and looked me in the eye for some seconds then smiled and stroked my cheek "I don't like my face but I love yours " what he just said made me feel weird again , every look he gives me and every touch he leaves on my skin makes me shiver for more. I sighed , his mind doesn't remember the past but his soul surly does.

After some minutes the waitress brought our food to the table "look who's here today!" the waitress said and I couldn't mess that voice , I looked up at her and sighed "hello Haruhi " I know troubles were coming again "hey sweetheart , how are you feeling ? I didn't have time to call you since I got this new job as you can see" she said smiling to me "I am fine I guess .." I said and looked at my brother who was coldly looking at Haruhi without saying a thing, she looked at him "why are you looking at me like that Kaoru?" she put her hand on her west "I'll make you disappear one day" he said to her and smiled "oh really? When did you start having a sense of humor?" she rolled her eyes to him "oh! Stop it both of you, Haruhi please leave , I'll call you later " I said to her "okay whatever that please you baby" she said but took a seat beside me and pushed her lips to mine in a very strong kiss. "OHH!" suddenly she screamed and separated from me. She was wet, Kaoru has splashed his drink on her hair"DAMN YOU KAROU!" she stood up and pushed him aside " YOU ARE SUCH A FAGGOT WHO'S IN LOVE WITH HIS OWN BROTHER! YOU ARE A TOTAL RETARDED " she screamed to my brother and I got terrified at what she just said , this is bad ! this is so bad ! he shouldn't remember. Kaoru stood up looked at me surprisingly then at Haruhi , he was shocked at what she has said to him. "Kao.." I tried to say something but he ran out of the restaurant. I pushed her aside "I don't wanna see your face again , do you understand? Never " I said to Haruhi and left the restaurant.

"HEY KAORU , WAIT!" I shouted to him , I could see him walking on the sidewalk , I ran after him. he was looking at the floor crossing his hands "Hikaru just leave me alone.." his voice is shaking I could know he is sobbing calmly. "listen forget about her and all the bullshit she said , it doesn't mean a thing " I tried to make it easier to him. I hoped that he wouldn't connect things together "stop it please.. " he said almost whispering , he raised his hand to a taxi "I just wanna go home , right now " he said and I opened the backseat door and followed him inside. I gave the driver our house location and took a deep breath. Kaoru was looking at the window , I didn't know what to do I just hated to see him sad again, it killed me.

We arrived to our house and I asked one of our drivers to pay for the taxi. The maids welcomed us and said that our parents are worried because we have ran out of the hospital "will you call mom and tell her we're home" I asked one of the maids "sure sir " she said and left. I looked at Kaoru who was looking at the furniture strangely as if he didn't recognize the place, I put my hand on his shoulder and he got surprised "are you alright dear?" I asked him "eh yeah..Hikaru take me to my room" he held my arm tightly with both of his hands "Kaoru if you don't feel alright we can go back to the hospital " I said , he left his shoulders up refusing what I just suggested "okay , let's go.." we walked a long corridor after taking the elevator to the third floor of our mansion. Taking him to his room is dangerous , I don't want him to remember how he suffered in that place , I don't want him to see that damn corner of the room. I wish he never remember a thing.

Instead of that I took him to my room, I didn't sleep in it since I came back to Japan. "here we are " I opened it, we took our shoes off as I turned the fireplace on "it's freezing here " I shivered. Kaoru was looking around strangely and then looked to me sadly I felt my heart sinking in my chest "what's wrong?" I asked worriedly. He walked to the bed and went under the covers "Kao.." he sniffed and hid his face on the pillow, I sat next to him on the covers and hugged his back "it's just..I don't feel belonging to anywhere, I am lost..my memories are mixed up ..do you know how does it feel not to belong to your own home? *sniff* it makes me a stranger to you and to everything in here…everybody knows me but I can't remember them or their faces. I don't remember how my room looked like. There's only a blank and I hate it Hikaru, I hate that so much .." he flipped and wrapped his arms around me. the coldness that is surrounding him is too hard to be warmed up. Inside of him is an ocean of loneliness and I am just a small boat to keep him company, I didn't know what to do. After awhile he moved his tears away and took a deep breath "Feeling better?" I asked " yeah ..get under the covers with me " I did that "Kaoru.." I whispered to him, moved my arm under his shoulders and brought him closer "you belong with me, Kaoru" his eyes were glowing from tears and the light that was coming from the fireplace , he looked so beautiful. I raised his chine and pressed my lips to his lips, passionately and lovingly. When the kiss was over his eyes were giving me a very strange look as he bit on his lower lip "we shouldn't do that..it's taboo" he said "huh? What are you saying Kaoru, nobody actually cares about that!" I got frustrated, I don't like to be rejected or pushed away "..I think I do care.." he said in a serious tone"..Jesus. I don't want to be with you in that way Hikaru! I want to meet with other people and be in different relationships..you know that already right? Don't kiss me like that again! Specially if you are only searching for fun! I am not blind I saw what's happening between you and Haruhi! She even called you baby so don't kid with me like that again " why do I feel hurt? The sharpness of his words wasn't what I expected to hear.

I looked straightly to his eyes , after everything that happened to us he says such things , wasn't he the one who first fall for me before "well that's not what you would say when your life was a living hell" I smiled ironically "what are you talking about, Hikaru?" , "it is nothing that matters to you anyways , good night Kao " I left the room.


	11. desperate for a kiss

**Kaoru POV**

The next morning was a very cold one that I didn't find the power to leave bed. the blankets were lovely, way better than the ones in the hospital. I rolled under them and noticed a cell phone and a wallet on the table next to the bed with a piece of paper beside them. Moved the blankets away a little just to be able to get my arms out and hold the stuff. I read "these are yours, you've left them at the hospital and they sent them home today. Hikaru" a sigh ran out of my mouth once I read Hikaru's name. the paper slipped down to the floor in slow motion and I felt too lazy to pick it up. Instead I held my cell phone and switched it open, I checked the gallery for any photos but there was none! "this is strange..didn't I take any photos in the past? Or did the jerks from hospital removed everything..jeez" I checked the messages and there was none, the applications were all signed out. I threw the device back to the table. My wallet wasn't any different..there were 5 credit cards and my ID. Nothing else. "DAAAMN" I shouted and rolled back under my blankets. I am still wearing Hikaru's jacket and those shorts, I needed to change to something more comfortable. I took a deep breath and decided to leave bed " good morning to me " I joked around and stripped out of my clothes, when the shorts fell down a whole collection of cards was on the floor "oh.." I picked them up and started reading names "Kenji ,Akio , Daichi , Hachiro , Hinata , chiro , Katsu ,Ryo , Yuta…" I threw them away, not interested to meet up with any of them. I noticed the bathroom door that was in the far corner of the room and walked to it "taking a nice bath in the morning is not a bad idea.." but before, I had to settle everything for my own enjoyment. I reached the land phone and called for a maid "bring me some donuts and caramel tea to the tub..Oh and bring some candles too " this would be good to clear my mind and analyze everything that happened the past 24 hours.

After 5 minutes, everything was ready for me beside the tub. I thanked the maids and entered the warm water as I expected "umm" I murmured and added some bubble shampoo to it. My muscles where still aching from sleeping so I raised my arms up and yawned "damn I need more sleep after last ni-" I suddenly looked at my wrists "HAH!"I sniffled. my arms were full of old cuts , some left darker marks than others. "did I do this to myself! why would I cut myself like this ! and for how long ! these marks will never heal" I looked closer to my left wrist and suddenly I saw myself sitting in the corner..bleeding to the fool as the blade I used to cut myself hit the floor. My breath was fast and I was shivering and scared , so scared that I needed to scream out. "Hika..Hikaru.."I sniffed and tears fell down my eyes as I called for my brother. After a minute the door went suddenly open "Kaoru! are you alright!" Hikaru was standing there, surprised to see me sobbing "no I am not alright Hika.." he walked to me and sat on the floor beside the tub "tell me what is it?" my brother worried look calmed me a little, I believed he'll never leave my side "Hikaru..look.." I showed him the marks and bit on my lower lip " I think I remember now..when I used to sit in the corner and cut into my skin endlessly.." Hikaru was shocked when I told him, I saw his chest raising then falling desperately. He opened his mouth to say something but then stopped..he turned his head to the other side, brushed his fingers to his hair and sighed. "you didn't want me to remember because it was that awful..Hikaru.." my voice was cracking with tears and sniffing , he raised his arms and wrapped them around my shaking body, I rest my head on his shoulder and wept. He stroked my cheek lovingly "it is all in the past, Kaoru..it's all done now .." he fondled the skin on my arms, making me calm down "I can't stop myself from wondering why…why did I do such a thing to myself Hikaru? I mean..one does not really hurt himself unless he found himself guilty , right?" I looked up to his eyes " I don't know Kaoru, it will only make things worse. Believe me little brother" he sighed. To argue now about this wasn't a very good idea after that flashback thus I decided to shake it all out of my head.

"hey let me massage your back for you , it'll help you relax" Hikaru suggested and replaced his hands on my shoulders before I could say anything. Not that I disagreed on his lovely action it just felt weird and I was wondering of Hikaru's intentions. His touches were so gentle that I started blushing. He went down under my shoulders and massaged the stressed muscles there "uhhmm.." a moan ran out of my lips "feels good?" he was too close to me that I felt his exhale on my back "y-yeah.." my body was moving slowly with his hands, the water movement in the tub around me left gentle sounds. I decided that it's better to close my eyes and enjoy the moment than being over thinking about it. "I have always considered you as the cute version of me HAHAH seriously I would never look this adorable" he joked and I smiled "stop this nonsense ,Hikaru" I moved my hair from my face to behind my ear and Hikaru left a kiss on my shoulder. suddenly I could feel him separate from me , his hands were no more on my back. Instead of his nice touches there was only the feeling left on my skin. I turned my head automatically "where are you going?" I asked "hmm..ah..out" he was nervous that he slammed the door in his face "oh! Hikaru, be careful" I said " I am fine , I'll be waiting for you out for breakfast" he left and closed the door behind him , still I could hear him insulting. "aw.." I laughed gently to how careless he can be sometimes.

After some time I stood up took a shower and left the tub "towels..towels.." I looked around but there was none so I opened the door and went back to the bedroom, totally naked and soaked in water. "k-KAO! " Hikaru was sitting on the bed before he opened the closet and threw a very long towel at me " I couldn't find any towel in the bathroom plus I don't think that this is the first time you ever see me naked" I said and started drying my hair "whatever , here put this on" he handed me a bathrobe yet still looking away, I put the robe on and sat beside Hikaru on the bed, I wanted to talk to him about anything when suddenly my phone started ringing, it said Kyoya

"Hey !"

"Hi..How are you, Kaoru? "

"I am fine, actually great , you probably heard from your doctors that we ran out of the hospital"

"yes they told me so, well since you are free for anything I would love to spend the day with you today "

"yes that would be cool, no problem "

"great I'll pick you up at 3 "

"sure"

I put the phone back to the table and looked at Hikaru who looked frustrated. I brushed his hair with my hand "are you okay ,Hika?" he turned his head and looked serious "was it Kyoya?"

"yup". My brother wanted to say something again but stopped "Hey just spit it out Hikaru, what's wrong?"

"nope nothing. Breakfast is probably ready" he left the room in a hurry before giving me the chance to reject. I picked up a white shirt that has blue patterns on it with a black jeans and a jacket.

**Hikaru POV**

I was playing video games on my PS4 while Kaoru was having a nap beside me on the couch, I didn't know when did he actually fall asleep but I couldn't take myself out of the game until it was all done. I looked at the clock , it said 2:40 "hey Kaoru.." I studied his face and his steady breaths, I remembered I have read an article about sleeping positions, I think Kaoru's sleeping position was named The Foetus, anyhow , he looked so adorable. I leant down "a small kiss won't bother" Suddenly Kaoru's phone started ringing, I went back to my seat as he opened his eyes slowly and yawned before picking the device up and answering "yeah I'll get out in a minute" he put his shoes on and I continued gaming , pretending that I don't care.

I could feel his eyes on me and hear him sighing "okay Hikaru , don't you wanna give me any advice?"

"nope" answered with my eyes still on the screen

"okay then ..I'll be going" he walked toward the door and I was burning inside , burning like a volcano that was so close to explode everywhere. I ran after him for two steps and held his arm stopping him "Hika? What the hell are you doi-" I pushed him to the wall and captured his lips kissing him strongly twice before separating, his face was burning with blush as we shared a long glare. Neither one of us found it necessary to say anything, we just stared at each other's eyes. his phone started ringing again "ah..we have to talk after I come back, okay?" he said to me "okay "I rolled my eyes because I thought that kiss would prevent him from leaving with Kyoya but it didn't. he smiled to me and left the house. The couch was the only thing that I could drawn in now until suddenly I got an idea " Ootori..I won't let you take him away from me" smirked to the ideas in my head and decided to ruin their so called a date.


	12. shocked

**Hikaru POV**

I took the first car my eyes land on in our garage and drove behind them. Unlike Kayoya's car the glass was darkened so they wouldn't be able to notice me, I kept stalking them until they arrived to some fancy restaurant , Kayoya went out first and gave his keys to the waiter and opened the door for Kaoru. I rolled my eyes at that action "what the hell..is he considering Kao as some lady from the host club …jeez " he took Kaoru by the hand "ugh" I started getting angry but I have to keep an eye on them or otherwise God know what would that Ootori do to Kaoru. I walked and wanted to enter when the guard at the doors stopped me "Sorry sir but do you have an invitation? We are having a special event" he looked serious. I took a thousand dollars out of my wallet and said " I think I do now " he looked around him before accepting the money and adding my name to the list.

I gave my jacket to the lady at the reception table and looked around the place. "sir are you searching for somebody?" a waiter asked me "no I am alone " my eyes found Kaoru and Kayoya sitting around a table in the middle of the place "find me a table at that corner" I said to the waiter who walked ahead of me. I didn't want them to see my face so I turned my head to the other way and sat around my table. "huh , so that ice cube can really laugh..impressive" I said to myself and looked at my brother from a far. he looked happy to me. "heh this is unfair" the waitress gave me the menu "I'll go with Foie Gras and vodka" the waitress nodded and left me to do my job of stalking my brother and his date again. They have shared a drink as their funny chit chat continued. I let myself relax for a moment and listened to the music the restaurant was playing. "damn.." I sighed in anger when Kyoya rest his hand on Kaoru's. the waitress brought my food after awhile and It looked good but I didn't have the appetite today. I added paper and salt to it and took a bite. The way Kaoru looked at him and smiled has hurt me. Ironically in the past I was in Kaoru's place right now but with Haruhi yet I noticed him by my eye corner and decided that it's better to keep quiet about it." I wonder if he has noticed me too.."

The time went slowly until finally I noticed that they were about to leave , I walked to them and hit Kyoya by the shoulder then went out of the doors before he could notice me, I wondered if Kaoru did , again.

I went to my car and waited until they entered Kayoya's car and drove somewhere else. "so where are you planning to take him now.." I kept a space between me and them as I drove behind them.

The road was getting higher, we were heading to the top of a mountain. The car stopped and so I did once we arrived to a skydiving store. "oh no this shit is dangerous!" they entered the store and I didn't know what to do to stop that four eyes before he put my baby brother's life in risk ! "grrr what the fuck now.." I took my phone out of my pocket and called Kaoru.

"Hika, what's up?" he asked

"errm..nothing I just wanted to check on you, is everything alright?"

"yeah everything is great, he's so nice with me"

"I doubt that Kaoru , it's Kyoya after all! When did he start being nice!"

"you don't really know him..he has always been nice"

"pffft , anyhow , where are you guys now?"

"ehm..we're in a restaurant"

"what did I tell you about lying to me?"

"Hikaru.."

"where are you?"

"…"

"hello?"

"it's none of your business, talk to you later" he finished the call like that.

I lost control over my anger and kicked my car "Ffffffuuuck" I screamed madly as the car started beeping "shut up you stupid piece of fuck " I stopped the beeping and walked to the place, not really giving a fuck about what's going to happen next.

Surprisingly I didn't see Kaoru or Kyoya inside "hey have you seen my brother? And yes we are twins" I asked and answered the man on the casher before he could ask me that silly question. "oh , yes he just left with master Ootori " he pointed at the backdoor of the store and I wanted to follow them when he said "where are you going? They left by the helicopter"

" SHIT! Does this mean they are going to go skydiving?" I asked and he nodded. "SHIT! Is there another helicopter here? We need to stop them before that criminal kills my brother!" I shouted at the man "sir please calm down , they have professionals with them , they will be back in half an hour plus it is the only helicopter we have right now." He got into my nerves but there was nothing I could do. I punched the wall with all I have untill my hand turned to blue. "sir please calm down " the old man said to me. how am I suppose to calm down now..I can never trust Kyoya. Since I was useless I asked the man not to tell them that I was here and went back to my car and waited till that none sense is over.

**Kaoru POV**

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS AMAZING!WOOHOOO" I said flying in the sky, of course there was a professional attached to me as there was for Kyoya. "WOOHOO" I screamed out as we were falling to the ground, minutes later the parachutes were opened and we were landing slowly.

"OH MY! this is one of the best things ever! " I lied down on the grass catching my breaths. "yeaaah that was great!" Kyoya said from beside me as he helped me up. We entered the helicopter again and went back to the store. "We can do it again whenever we want " Kyoya said. When did he start using -we- to refer to me and him like that?, it was kind of awkward wasn't it? this is my first date with him and I didn't decide any future plans with him yet. We walked back to the car and he started driving away "let's go for a movie at my beach house" he said and I nodded to that idea. It would be nice to have some time alone with him "tell me Kyoya, why didn't you ask me out before?" I looked at his neck while asking "actually I did ask you out for many times in the past but you've always rejected my requests" I got surprised at what he just said , so my feeling was right ..I really did reject him. "but why did I ?" I asked and he closed his eyes for a moment and sighed "I don't know " with this answer I didn't ask any other questions, I knew it is something attached to that terrifying past.

After an hour of driving we arrived to the Ootori beach house. Something about the ocean sent chills down my spine, there is something uncomfortable about it that makes me feel sad , terrified , and sultriness…

"Kaoru? what are you thinking of?" Kyoya asked me with questioning looks. "nothing , it is cold here ,can we enter already?" I didn't feel like sharing my feelings with him, he is a nice guy but he's someone that would only like to hear about thoughts and ideas more than feelings, unlike Hikaru. Oh I totally forgot about him! I wonder if he is okay by himself, he really sounded worried on the phone.

The doors were opened by maids to us as we entered the place. It was cozy and warm , there were two fireplaces and nice thick carpets. The walls were full with paintings and photos of the Ootori family until my eyes found a very old photo of the host club members "oh my god…" I covered my mouth with my hand "oh the good old days" Kyoya said from behind me , resting his hands on my shoulders. I shivered at how close he was to me "eh..what happened to the others? Exclude Haruhi ,don't tell me about her", "why not?" he asked "well..i felt this hatred towards her ever since I was in the hospital and when I ran out with Hikaru we entered a restaurant that she was working in and she said some bullshit about me and not only that..she kissed Hikaru and called him baby! I didn't really talk to him about that but..I didn't know when this shit started and when did she broke up with Tamaki to chose Hikaru! It all never made sense to me so I didn't think much about it" he led me to the couches beside the fireplace and sat beside me. "look Kaoru ,it all started after you guys graduated from ouran High , I was attending the university with Tamaki by that time and he was too busy with the family business and his studies that he didn't spend enough time with Haruhi , one day she met up with him and they broke up, the next day Hikaru asked her out and he confessed his undying love to her, but by looking at things right now seems that their relationship is not going anywhere" just hearing that Hikaru has confessed to Haruhi made me sick to my stomach. Just the image of her touching him made me want to go back and kill her.. "I really do hate her " I said to Kyoya "your brother is an idiot too" he said "don't talk about Hikaru like that!" , "ah sorry, anyways..Hony and Mori have left the country together and I didn't hear from them since then" I nodded to that and drifted in my own thoughts..why can't I stop the aching in my heart since I heard about Hikaru and Haruhi. I sighed " I need some fresh air.." I said to Kayoya and walked out the house to the ocean.. I knew he was following me. "why is this feeling so familiar.." , " Kaoru.." he walked beside me and wrapped his arm gently around my body "uhmm" he raised my chin and I closed my eyes ready for what's coming next. When his lips touched mine I heard the sound of the waves hitting the rocks at the beach and suddenly I could see..I could remember the ocean , I could remember Hikaru's lips taking mine .. the lightning bugs dancing around us and I saw myself confessing to Hikaru…* Hikaru I am in love with you…it all started when we first joined the host club* I saw myself saying that to him , I saw the look in his eyes and I remembered everything and pushed Kyoya away.

"Ah! Kaoru I am sorry , did I hurt you? Kaoru what's wrong?" I didn't want to deal with him right now. I remembered everything, what I saw was awful that my legs couldn't carry me anymore..it all ran before my eyes , how Hikaru left me and traveled, I remembered the nights I spent alone hugging myself and crying , shouting out and insulting at everyone, I remembered how when he came back he just made things worse than before and he always picked her on me ..I remembered him telling me that he wants to leave with her again and I saw everyone in my university making fun of me and telling me to kill myself "AAAAAAH" I screamed out as I remembered committing suicide and throwing myself out of the window.

"KAORUUUU" I saw Hikaru running to us from the street. My body is shaking and I want nothing but to hide from him, he will hurt me again , he will pick her on me again …I'll be the one to be left alone again. Tears fells down my eyes like rain and Hikaru reached me , I couldn't run away…

"WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM!" He shouted at Kyoya and pushed him away "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING HIKARU!" Kyoya pushed Hikaru back "WHY THE HELL IS HE CRYING!" Hikaru pushed Kyoya and sat down in front of me "Kao..? tell me sweetheart what's wrong?" he wanted to put his hands on me when I shouted "DON'T TOUCH ME! …it's not him Hikaru…it is YOU! " my brother was shocked "I remember everything now.." I sniffed "how could you do that to me " I cried out "I don't deserve that Hikaru…I don't fucking deserve that" I hid my face between my fingers but I saw Hikaru biting on his lip and whispering apologies "I'm sorry ..so sorry Kaoru it's all done now, I broke up with her already..look let me try and fix it" he said and I pushed him away , so sick of him and so sick of hearing this .. I entered Kyoya's house again and threw myself on one of the couches.

"Kaoru.."

"Kyoya I just wanna be left alone , please"

* * *

**D': aww poor kaoru right? well that was coming , you can never run from your past..not forever **

**guys leave reviews if you like how's the story going so far and don't hesitate to tell me if you have any questions about the plot. **

**i'll upload soon.**


	13. sleeping next to you

**Kaoru POV**

One of us is for sure lost, me or this world? Well, since this world is big enough it would be mean to accuse it of being lost. I don't feel the world around me and It doesn't feel me either ..each one of us considers the other as a lie.

Emptying myself. I threw up memories and laughter "Kaoru , are you okay ?Open the door for me" my brother stood out there enjoying himself with my misery. His voice makes me feel more awful and sick than I already am. I washed my face , refusing to look at the mirror. Today this piece of glass is my worst enemy. I took it out of the wall and smashed it to the ground. "KAO! OPEN UP!" I jumped on broken glass and kicked it everywhere. I need a drink.

I opened the door to see my anger presented on his face. " how..HOW COULD YOU KISS ME?" screamed to my brother's face as I flew a punch that hit his left cheek "HOW COULD YOU SLEEP WITH ME" I punched him again and he fell to the ground I was upon him "how could you tell me that you loved me?" I held his collar "HOW COULD YOU TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE AGAINA AFTER EVERYTHING! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A SOUL?!" my tears fell down on him "ahh.." he was in pain, I liked it "K-kaoru.. I really do love you" I gasped for air..how could he lie to my face like this again "DON'T " I left him on the floor and stood up "kaoru, you are losing control , please calm down" I looked to the source of that annoying voice,Kyoya "I AM NOT MAD,I AM HURT..and.. I need to drink" he went away and came back with a bottle of wine. I started drinking the red liquid as fast as I can. "Stop it ,Kaoru! doctors said that you are done with depression already you don't need to act like that!" my brother stood up, removing the blood that was coming from his nose and mouth "act?" this bastard thinks that I am kidding! My feelings are this cheap to him "yes! Stop it , you are fine and all that happened in this past ! today is not like yesterday! I do love you with all my heart" I keep on wasting my time..over and over, listening to the same scenario by him "Kyoya.." I turned my head to the third person in this room "yeah?" I walked to him "take me to your room" and clung to his shoulders, I made sure Hikaru is looking and I kissed Kyoya's neck "Oh! Kaoru ..you are drunk.." Kyoya said to me yet pressing me closer to him "your room..take me" I feel the world dancing with me and everything looks so weird. I wrapped my arms around Kyoya's shoulders as he left me up "Kaoru ! you can't do that!" my brother stops on our way "why not?" I ask not really wanting to know the answer "why not! Why not you say! Because you have feelings for me! you love me ,Kaoru!" he said and I give him the middle finger and whisper to Kyoya to take me away.

**Kyoya POV**

He was lying on my bed, helpless and hurtful, yet I couldn't shut the voices inside me that told to take this to my own benefit. He trusts me, I shouldn't do anything that breaks this trust. "why are you standing there?" he asked me since I was standing beside the door. He looked so desirable on my bed "nothing" this is finally happening, I imagined this moment for the last 5 years.. I think I can't stop myself anymore, he's too drunk to remember anything anyways. "KYOYA! IF YOU TOUCH HIM I'LL KILL YOU" his brother's screaming was coming from the other side of the door "fuck off..tell him to fuck off" Kaoru said , flipping to the other side "He is telling you to fuck off, Hikaru " I said and sighed "I am not leaving without him, Kyoya!" this guy is one of the most annoying people I have ever met "I am afraid you are going to wait until the sun rise or something, good night" I took off my tie and unbuttoned me shirt, I walked to the closet and took my shirt off when a pair of arms wrapped around my body , I could feel his breathes on my back "Kaoru? why did you leave bed?" I could feel his breath changing "I just.." he sobbed "please don't leave me alone.." I turned myself to face him and brought him closer to me. "I won't leave you" I moved his hair from his forehead and held his face "Kaoru..you don't have to be sad anymore" he sniffed and I held him closer to my body and breathed in his sweet scent. "come on" I led him to bed again. "you need to rest, it was a long day for you" he lied under the covers with me, his legs around mine and his head on my chest, I could feel his tears on my chest. I fondled his neck and shoulder until he relaxed. I left a kiss on his forehead "everything is going to be fine, you don't have to worry" I said and he raised his head so our eyes met "hmm .. I just don't wanna think about my past anymore..it hurts a lot" he sighed painfully "well , how about I make you feel better?" I asked and he bit his lower lip, he's not fully conscious after drinking wine, he looked away for a moment then nodded to me "okay".

**Kaoru POV**

Nothing. That's what I am.

I thought of Hikaru outside these doors all the time during this night, it's betrayal and cheating indeed. I hurt myself by doing this, in the beginning I wasn't really conscious and everything was dancing around me, I couldn't even remember agreeing to this, it was just happening. I felt hatred and hurt and disgusted of myself. it was awful, he blocked my screams with his hands and mouth, I was terrified that I couldn't find my voice to scream.. and to tell you the truth I thought that now Hikaru hates me the most and he wouldn't care to safe me. I didn't call for him or for anybody else..in my head I deserved everything that's happening to me, I deserve being treated like shit. My fingers were digging the fabric under me, my breathes were fast, I kept my eyes shut I didn't want to see his face. His thrusts were deep and hurtful I couldn't not to cry my eyes out in pain. God..I want to let it go.

Wondering what's wrong with me again. Why am I the one that should suffer like that , why don't I have a normal relationship full of love and trust like everybody else..why should I suffer, I should stop finding my face among the ashes..maybe anything is better than be alone..yes , this is better than sleeping alone. It's better than staying in love with my sorrow..

It's all the same. My childish fears, all reaching for me at the same time and I am not even running, I don't want to face them either.. let them eat me alive.

After a thousand years, he stopped moving and left my body rest in peace. "ahh.." I left a breathe when he left me alone in his bed and walked to the bathroom. must be exhausting not to have any sympathy or shame in him. " so there is no love , only words to get what he wants" the sun started to rise outside the windows, this was the longest and worst night in ever.. I dressed up again and left the room. I should find Hikaru.. I need to be hugged before I just die here.

I saw Hikaru sleeping in the car from the window. I ran out of the white doors to the car and knocked on the window. I bit my lip when he opened his eyes and looked at my shameful soul. stepped away so he could open the door. "Kaoru!" he stepped out and I couldn't prevent myself from crying the pain out. I threw myself on him and wanted to hide there for eternally. "what have that fucking bastard done to you?, tell me" he said, his hands holding me tightly and madly. "he…he.." I couldn't find any word to describe what he had done. I could taste the blood that was coming from my lower lip as I bite on it. my brother broke his embrace and wanted to go find Kyoya. I couldn't let that happen so I held him from the back "don't let me die here..Hikaru..it's the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones" Hikaru turned back to me "Kaoru! you just want to let him run away with it!?" Hikaru stood in front of me and touched my cold salty face, I nodded and rest my head on his shoulder. "it makes me feel better..knowing that you still care, that's all you need to do to make it up to me really" I left a kiss on his neck. He fondled my back and led me to the car.

"Kaoru.." he drove on the high way

"yeah" I was looking to my ugly arms

"if you want to cut yourself..remember that I.. love you" he holds my hand and drove using his other hand " when I say I love you I mean it like lovers do" he raised my hand to his lips and kissed it "you are so precious to me"

"hmm..well then, I have more reasons to love you than to cut myself, Hikaru" at that moment I did something that nobody should try to do, not while driving on the highway. I pressed my lips to Hikarus and kissed him deeply, he lost track for a moment and the car was going to both sides. "oh ! Kao, that was really dangerous! What are you trying to kill both of us!" I really don't care about anything, not even that "sorry , just felt like kissing you" I saw him smiling I know I did.  
"Kamikatsu..?" I read the sign that was leading to a side street "Hikaru, where are we going?" , "well , obviously out of Tokyo. You need some fresh air and I didn't lose my mind to take you home where you'll feel depressed again. This village is a very nice place to spend time. I'll buy a cottage there and it's gonna be only you and I" he smiled proudly for his plan "eh..okay.." I opened the window and turned off the AC. There were mountains covered with snow at the top and small trees covering both sides of the streets "this is refreshing" Hikaru said yawning. After some time we stopped for breakfast "I just want coffee though" I said to Hikaru as we entered a small restaurant. We picked a rounded table beside the window and ordered some omelets and coffee.

"do you think I'd let Kyoya run away with what he have done to you?" my brother can be a pain sometimes" there's no need to do anything Hikaru, I was the one who asked him to take me to his room at the beginning. and I remember him asking me if he can do it with me and I agreed to that..it's all my fault actually" I sipped my coffee "really Kaoru! you were too drunk to make any decisions!" he took a bite of his food "you know what that is right?" he asked and I nodded "yeah..but I don't think that I have any feelings left to be pissed off or angry..deep down I think I deserved it" I said to him, he left his seat in front of me and moved beside me, he took some jam and put it on the toast and forced it to my mouth "eh..Hikaruuu, I said I am not hungry" I chewed the food in my mouth and swallowed it hardly "you are pale , you have to eat " I don't taste anything, it's like eating dust.

We went back to the car and Hikaru kept driving for more 3 hours, I spent them smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. "huh, Are we there yet? Why did you stop? " I asked "I am exhausted, I need to sleep, we'll drive again tomorrow morning " we left the parking lot and went inside a motel. A normal room with two beds and a small bathroom attached to it. my brother lied on one of the beds while I sat on the other. He went under the blankets and immediately drown into a deep sleep. I made sure the door was locked three times before pulling the table and put it on the door, just to make sure nobody can break in while we are sleeping. I looked to the wall and started my over thinking process.

When I start falling down , I never hit the bottom. Life keeps surprising me with more shit to deal with and I can't handle it anymore now. Every time I close my eyes I see the sky while I am falling down.. and it scares me because I know that I will soon hit the ground..you know sometimes I wish to finally hit it, sometimes I wish for everything to stop. But I know that moment will never happen. Not to me..

I tried to lay down and sleep, the blanket wasn't as soft as my own at home and the bed wasn't comfortable as well and the pillow was cold.." maybe the poor thing has never been hugged before.." and so I hugged my pillow tightly. Even though I couldn't warm it up "I think it has died long time ago" I threw it on the floor and flipped to face Hikaru. The space between the two beds was cold too. I got up and pushed my bed to his bed so we were close enough. I went under the covers again, Hikaru was sleep on his left side, facing me. " you know dear brother.." I know he was already sleeping but I like to speak to him this way, when he's sleeping he is completely defenseless, soft and supply and childlike. "the way you sleep with your face softened and your arms wrapped around my waist, is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced ..and that is why I fell in love with you." The warmth of his body kept me alive and I would never know how to capture that moment "sleeping next to you, that's all I ever wanted.." it's the most intimate you'll ever be with another human, at least now I know he will always be there near me. " I miss sleeping next to you, Hikaru.." I drown my face in his shirt and position his arms around me. sometimes we have thoughts that even we don't understand.

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**I am soooooo sorry guys for the delay T.T i got a new job and stuff, anyways i promis to update the next chapter by next week :D**

** leave reviews :**


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